How can you win my hand in marriage?

Jo P. writes:

I would like to be Your child bride, Sir. I am 16 years old and built like a horse. [Some choice bits of flattery edited because no-one would believe I didn't write it myself.] My question is: how may I win Your hand in marriage?

As you can imagine, the competition in the race to become Mrs. Kelly is something fierce. I am currently trying to organize a grand final for the Marriage Contest, tentatively scheduled for next year, where the applicants will gather in some vast conference hall, or possibly a phone booth, and fight it out for The Ultimate Prize, i.e. my good self.

There are three main criteria on which candidates will be judged:

Also tea-making

You seem to be adept at this - capitalization of You and Your is a touch I approve of. There will be a freestyle flattery round, a Gasping In Awe round, and you will also be required to demonstrate mastery of the following phrases:

'Please fill me with your grace, My Lord.'
'Your brain must be overheated from all your brilliance, Master, allow me to soothe your brow with my womanly charms.'
'So handsome, so noble. Generations yet unborn will account me the envy of womankind,' and, 'Please, please, fill me with your grace, My Lord.'

in which you will be required to show talent at:

- Pretending to be a nun
- Pretending to be a proud, untamed gypsy wench
- Pretending to be a warrior elf maiden, with magical breasts that grant three wishes when rubbed
- Pretending to be a naughty tea-shop waitress
- Pretending to be two girls at once - this will involve you jumping quickly from side to side, putting a wig on and off and changing your accent while saying things like, 'He's mine', 'No, he's mine,' 'Well, we can share him,' 'Yes, pleasure us both, Michael,' 'Me first,' 'No, me first,' etc.

So the answer to your question is, practise these things and you stand as good a chance as anyone. In the event of a tie-break, contestants will be required to sing 'Nobody Does It Better,' from The Spy Who Loved Me while gazing at me wistfully, so it may be as well to take singing lessons too.

I must confess, though, that the child bride aspect troubles me somewhat. At 16 you stand trembling upon the brink of womanhood. Are you some poised, elegant young woman, proud in the blossoming of your female powers, or some giddy, giggling little urchin given to pillow-fights and hair-pulling? Either works for me. But I would be liable to start sulking if you neglected me or skimped on the household chores in order to do your homework. And I'm not giving you any pocket-money. You can get a paper round.

I am also a tad concerned by your saying you are 'built like a horse.' If you mean that you are sleek and well-groomed, all well and good. If you are trying to tell me you have a tail, cool. If, however, you mean 'built like a horse' as in 'hung like a horse', and you are actually a hermaphrodite with a very long male member, that might present a problem. A husband being jealous of the size of his wife's penis is not a good basis for a happy marriage, I feel. However, I am not narrow-minded and it is possible we could overcome this, provided everything else is in order and your baking is up to scratch.


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