Marriage Contest: the Next Generation

Premee writes from Canada:

Dear Mr. Kelly,

Here are my reasons for wanting to marry you:

1. My first love, who dumped me because I wasn't good enough for him, is getting married in July and has started a cute little countdown on his webpage, which I check obsessively every two hours. I'm going to either kill myself or him in the interim unless I marry someone before he does.

[Hmmm. The smell of desperation. Me like.]

2. If you marry me, I will do all the cooking and washing-up and laundry and gardening. [Oh, and I suppose the car will just wash itself, hmm?] As soon as I come home from my well-paying job, I will tear off my business suit and do something so incredibly impolite to you that deities of several major religions will burst into tears of shame. [And I suppose my tea will just cook itself, hmm?] Also, I can bake. [Ees good.]

3. I think you're brilliant, although if it turns out you're not brilliant in bed, I'll just sleep with lots of women to satisfy my needs. [Indeed, I have decided to permit a certain amount of lipstick lesbianism in whatever menage I finally settle on as eight wives may be too many even for Me.] I don't mind if you're...oh, how did they put it in Blackadder the Third... 'hung like a carrot and a couple of petits-pois.' [More than a handful is a waste. Er... I mean... Anyway a lot of carrots are quite impressive I think. This bird may have been spoiled by rugged Mounties or deflowered by a sasquatch or something.]

4. I've got lots of education and very few morals and I'm getting pretty tired of all this boring affluence, space, culture, and hygiene. [Whaaat?? Canadian culture? Oh, wait, she's offering me sex. Be nice. Yes. Mooses are interesting.] I'm under the impression that England, because it's so old, is much grubbier and more exciting. [It is good that grubby excites you.]

5. I've got breasts. [Ees good.]

6. I don't dress as a pirate more than once a year. [Ees not so good.]

7. I have a genetics degree and will clone lots of Kellyspawn for you.

I thought of some more specially designed children I want:

Caractacus Kelly - infra-red vision and fiery breath make this the ideal child to guard the house against burglars.

Equus Kelly - a centaur. I intend to ride him to the shops and maybe enter him for the Grand National.

Nedwell Kelly - Will have the head of Sid James grafted onto the body of a praying mantis. Just as a conversation piece, really.]

Please contact me in regards to marital opportunities and/or dirty pictures. I look forward to contributing more to your excellent firm. [Firm what? Firm what?]

Yours sincerely,
Premee

======

A Shameful Day for Womanhood

Early entrant Minty writes:

I have waited many days for a decision, Master. It is with regret that I have to withdraw from the marriage contest. [Whaaaat??] Some contestants, who were school girls when they entered the contest, have now withered and grown fat or sunk into the murky world of prostitution. As for me, I sometime worry that if I get any more nubile, I'll spontaneously combust.

They are still trying to impress you with intellectual achievements, one even spoke of bearing your children! Now I may be a simple wench, but even I know mentioning a desire to get pregnant at the first opportunity is not the best way to entice most men, then thinking better of it and saying "Oh, and by the way, I'm a whore too" just makes it worse. Poor confused middle aged lady!

[Reowww!]

I have decided to devote my life to these sad women, I will open a nursing home and look after these unfortunates. I will not allow mirrors in their rooms, they can eat nice, soft cakes that I will bake for them (at least one will be allowed to eat all the poached eggs her heart desires and on Wednesday afternoons I will allow the others to pierce her boils with their knitting needles as they need recreational activities to keep them interested in life).

I hope this makes choosing easier for you, I think you haven't made a decision because you have been so worried about the effect rejection will have on the losing contestants. Your nobility shines through all of your work, if I can ease the burden for you, I am content. All I ask is your permission to place a bench in the rose garden, bearing a plaque inscribed with your name, so the ladies can sit on it and wonder at what might have been, if only they had been more impressive.

Minty

A Romantic Exchange

From: "Jo" <----@hotmail.com>
To: mkquestions@hotmail.com
Subject: Marriage competition
Date: Sat, 22 Jan 21:49:21 -0800

Dearest Michael---

Almost four years after I first entered the marriage competition, I am going to leave it. I have seen contestants come and go, including my original rival, the lusty and busty Minty. I've gone from an innocent child to a world-weary adult. If there is one thing I have learned in these past few years, it is that I am essentially selfish and cannot share my happiness with others. Ah! but what wonderful years they were.

That being said, if You ever need a cake or some good old Amish apple butter, I'm here. Good luck to my fellow contestants, particularly those with avian features.

Yours,

Jo

From: "Michael Kelly"
To: ----@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Marriage competition
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 22:58:02 +0000

Whore!

From: "Jo" <----@hotmail.com>
To: mkquestions@hotmail.com
Subject: Marriage competition
Date: Mon, 24 Jan

Dearest Michael--

How can I leave when You woo me with such tender words?

I'm back in, if You'll take me. If not, I suppose I shall be a ruined woman.

Ever Yours,

Jo

Really, there seems to be an epidemic of lesbianism at the moment. I blame hormones in meat.

=======

A letter from Tennessee:

Dear Mr. Kelly,

Is the bridal contest still on? I am a petite yet curvy gorgeous brunette with bangs, milky skin, and a plantation.

[Plantation! One moment.

Pray continue.]

As a landowner in the grand Southern tradition, you would be required to wear a white linen suit whilst drinking mint juleps on the front porch. [Well, I declare!] And as mistress of the plantation, I would consider it my duty to acquire the proper wicker furniture for many intimate happy hours. [Well, fan mah brow!] Very intimate. [Well, shuck mah drawers!] Do you fancy corsetry and hoop skirts? [I believe I do.]

I aspire to make the plantation organic and we would grow rice, cotton, soybeans, and other such socially responsible crops, to keep up appearances. [Well, whip mah piccaninny!] However the land also contains a number of rednecks with double-wide trailers and meth labs - these may be an eyesore but I'm sure I don't need to spell out how lucrative their business is. [Well, crystallise mah meth!]

I do hope to make it to the next round of bridal auctionry. If you require any further information, such as my taxable income, my measurements, my Platinum American Express card number, or an artistic photograph, please let me know so that I might stay in the running.

[Platinum! One moment.

Just checking. Pray continue.]

Perhaps I should also mention my checkered past. After my graduate studies I took a year or two off to find myself, during which time I was employed as a full-time exotic dancer. [Well, frot mah snake!]

Sincerely,

Bitty Bumble of Tennessee

'Lawsy Mizz Bumble, that Massa' Kelly sho' nuff gonna eat yo up wit a knife and fork, hmm, mm.'

==

The Lost Girls

Once again I have annoyingly misplaced a couple of valid entries. I remember there was one from a Tahani who was pretty and could bake cakes and would be eternally grateful to bask in my wisdom (good) but wasn't a rich heiress (bad). And I'm fairly sure another one I can find no trace of despite turning my mailbox and files upside down. Sorry.

This cannot continue. I am hopelessly disorganised and waste hours a day looking for vital e-mails, misplaced notes, half-written stories and drafts of political manifestos and bomb-threats. Although I sometimes earn a living as a filing clerk (or as I prefer, executive in charge of the horizontal re-integration of free-floating informational assets), the fact is I have never been any good at it.

To ease my burden, all future marriage applicants must have filing skills as well as all the other necessary qualities. And a filing cabinet. Please attach a picture of the filing cabinet.

Perversions Update

It may be as well to mention that in the interval since the last round of the contest I have developed several interesting new perversions and fetishes the lucky Mrs. Kelly will be expected to cater to. These are in addition to, and by no means replace, all previously mentioned kinks.

Namely:

1. Pogo-sticks. Also space-hoppers a bit.

2. I find I have fallen deeply in love with Herod Agrippa from the television series 'I, Claudius'. The successful applicant must be prepared to wear a beard, ringlets and kingly robes and refer to me endearingly as 'my little marmoset'.

Later you must declare yourself to be the Jewish Messiah, be mysteriously struck down by God and then eaten by maggots.

3. Pantomime horses.

I will say no more at this time.

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