(Personally, I think he was scared of the International Coalition that was assembled against him.)

THOMAS JAMES PITTS,
PLAGIARIST SUPERSTAR

I don't mean that he has merely been reprinting other people's work without permission or attribution, as reprehensible as that would be, or that he has been stealing our ideas and rewriting them. I mean that he has filled his website with straight word-for-word copy-and-paste duplicates of our pieces, except for his name where mine or the other authors' used to be, and claimed them as his own work. He has plagiarised 40 of my pieces in this way and at least 60 more by a number of other writers.

Naturally I am not going to stand for this and legal action is being prepared. In the meantime, as Pitts continues to falsely claim to have written my work and that of others, this is just to let the world know what a pathological liar and thief he is.

A full listing of Pitts' thefts, the writers he stole from and the addresses of the original works can be found near the bottom of the page, here.

In some ways the situation is laughable and Pitts emerges as a comic, almost endearing figure. This loon actually parades around his campus wearing a T-shirt promoting this website full of stolen goods. When you receive mail from him, it is headed by his website logo and the legend 'From the Desk of HSX!' (HSX or Humphrey is his net nom de plume although he also uses his real name.) He has a t-shirt promoting his website. He has a logo and headed mail. He has a desk. Ergo, in his head, he must be a writer. He is the reductio ad absurdum of the modern elevation of surface over substance.

In other ways it is quite horrendous, though. At the moment his readership is small compared to my own, but he has begun to pick up international traffic, energetically listing himself in directories and winning web awards, which he boasts of on the site. His hit counter has notched up a tally similar to what I'd gained myself in my first couple of years on the web, before I broke (relatively) big and the traffic started to grow exponentially. Given that he updates more often than I do, as he steals from others besides me, with a couple of breaks six months from now he could have been bigger than me, and anyone who didn't know better who saw both our sites would have assumed I was ripping off him.

As it is, there are already people out there who now think that he wrote my work. Furthermore...but this isn't the place to point out the damage this sort of thing causes to genuine writers and the internet in general. I'm preparing another article about that. This is the place where I let the world know what an unutterable dipshit Thomas James Pitts of Leeds is. And actually, there is no 'this sort of thing' about it. You come across the occasional dick who will reprint without permission, or try to make out like an e-mail forward is their own work, but this... He is in a league of his own.

The most noticeable part of Thomas James Pitts/HSX's dipshitness is the extent to which he boasts of 'his' writing prowess. He doesn't merely claim to have written other people's work, he revels in his borrowed talent. Practically the only thing on his site written by him, apart from a few mercifully brief, semi-literate journal entries of the 'just washed my socks' variety, are pieces in which he pontificates about the hardships and joys of a writer's life, looks back fondly on periods when his muse (read, the copy-and-paste function) was really fertile, or variously swaggers or blushes modestly about his growing fame. It would be richly entertaining, if I could get past the urge to disembowel him with my bare hands.

But to begin at the beginning: a few weeks ago someone tipped me off that they'd stumbled across my Vulgaria piece uncredited on Pitts's site. Looking for a mail address to tell him to delete, I found an 'About Me' page duplicating the questionnaire answers from mine. At first I assumed he was just some unethical wanker reprinting stuff he'd found on the net without permission or credit. Then I came across my University of the Labour Party piece, with an introduction that ran: 'Here's another rant. I wrote this because...'

Then I found an archive of old pieces, and my whole life flashed up on the screen. From 'The Lost Art of Seduction', 'How To Be Calm', 'A Bad Kid', right through to my last update but one, all of them duplicated exactly and many of them signed by him. He'd stolen 'Your Questions Answered' - not the idea, just copied the whole thing word for word, and then copied my answers too. He'd copied the Marriage Competition word for word - not the entrants, though, he got his own entrants - and they sent him pictures of cakes, which none of mine ever did. He'd even copied the bloody opinion pieces. He wasn't just taking my articles, he was pretending to be me.

I mean, there are some things I reckoned were theft-proof. Several times this year I've been ripped off on a smaller scale, and I'd been thinking, the way to go to avoid that is to avoid writing generic humour pieces that can be circulated by e-mail or are susceptible of having the idea nicked, and concentrate on stuff that only works in the context of my site, that depends on a distinctive persona, like the Marriage Competition, or Your Questions Answered. Wrong, wrong, wrong. He just copied them word for word and stuck his name at the end, and in the text where mine used to be. And it would never have occurred to me in a hundred years that someone would claim my political opinions as his own. It was like Single White Female or something.

Except it wasn't just me, although I was the main source of plunder. Googling choice phrases from some of 'his' other pieces, I found that most of them were ripped off other net writers, mainly 'The Man Who Fell Asleep' and Peter Perkins of 'Comedy Genius'. Again, he was claiming to have written them himself. 'I had fun writing this one...' and so on.

By this time Pitts had replied to the mail I'd sent after finding the first couple of thefts. Although he freely admitted that the pieces were stolen from me, he claimed to be as outraged I was and said a friend had submitted them to him and there was no intention on his part to plagiarise. He offered a cash settlement if we could resolve the matter without legal action.

However, when I attempted to negotiate such a resolution, he ceased to respond to my mails after I insisted that a part of any settlement must be a prominent notice on his website admitting that he did not write the stolen works and listing the people who did.

His claim to be an unwitting victim of someone else's deception does not, of course, hold water given the scale of the enterprise, the frequency with which he specifically claims other people's works or alludes to 'his' writing, and the fact that when a friend of his did contribute something to the site, he credited him and stated, 'This is the first update NOT written by HSX.' Not to mention the speed with which he located and de-linked all of my work.

And as I say, there's the boasting and pontificating. The whole site is designed to propagate the lie of Thomas James Pitts as a hot-shit writer, hag-ridden by his muse.

Here are some choice examples (there are fuller ones in the complete site listing at the bottom):

'I’m trying to gather my creative juices and write something really worthy of my talent. I have written a lot in my 20 years on this Earth, some of it shoddy, some of it mediocre, some of it crazy, some of it thought provoking - all of these “styles” you can find somewhere on this website.'

'Lately, inspiration seems to be a problem [I assume I wasn't updating -MK]...It’s not that I don’t value my writing; it’s not that I don’t have enough spare time to write...I like the updates that are strange, they mean a lot to me. I’m not a weird person in general, I just think I have a very developed sense of humour, one that is shared by very few.'

'It's quite often that I'll find myself 95% through an update only to wind up stuck for an entire day trying to craft something worth reading'.

'While I may never reach the heady heights of last summer when I wrote an update nearly every other day, the plan is still to try and produce 100 a year. That plan is something I’ve never revealed before but it’s a personal ambition of mine. I achieved it last year and I think I’m roughly on course to do it again. But then, that’s the problem with ambition...'

It's quite hilarious at times. Here is Pitts seeking to explain why some updates are - well, frankly, elegant and sophisticated and coruscating with wit, while others appear to be the work of an unlettered baboon:

'Believe it or don’t, each update usually gets 2 or 3 different drafts before it gets seen online. Some of the more rushed ones however are put up as they are written - I’m sure you’ll be able to distinguish between these updates from each other.'

Although, to be fair, I believe there is a baboon in London Zoo that would know better than to write, 'distinguish between these updates from each other.'

Pitts explaining for the benefit of his friends, I assume, why they never actually see him in the act of writing:

'I was going to try to find some old drafts, but I’m not sure where they’ve gone. I’ve definitely got some around here somewhere, but if you could see my room then you’d understand...! Another thing about the drafting process is that, as I don’t sleep that well anyway, I tend to write a lot of things fairly late at night, around 2 or 3 in the morning.'

I know how it is, Tommy, the non-creative types don't understand us. I myself often give the appearance, to the untutored eye, of spending 90% of my time sitting around idle like a bump on a log. But when the night falls, and the bourgeouis are abed, what Mailer called The Great Bitch visits us and whispers, seductively, 'Come, my sweet, show me how you can Copy and Paste, no-one does it like you can...'

Pitts explaining, again I imagine for his friends, where his newfound literary talent has suddenly sprung from:

'In school I hated English class...I used to dread anything that required brain usage to come up with a story or poem or whatever...I don't remember ever having a teacher in my years at school that made me really want to learn or be passionate about writing.'

And then one day, on the back of a matchbook, he saw an advertisement for the correspondence course of Doctor Copy and Professor Paste. 'No talent necessary...send no money now...thousands of unsolicited testimonials: 'I wrote "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy in less than 36 hours.' - Satisfied of Sutton Coldfield.'

Here is Pitts celebrating his 100th update, looking back fondly over his past triumphs:

'I hate talking about the content of previous updates. Some of the early ones aren’t fantastic and the later ones tend not to be a part of my “usual” life, I rarely talk about the people I know, and many of the things I write have never happened to me!'

He has asked his readers to vote for their favourite bits and gives a brief extract from the most popular. 7 out of 9 are mine. (Incidentally, since I told him to delete my work, this page now has a note at the top saying, 'Unfortunately, a lot of these updates were lost in an unfortunate error in November 2003. These extracts are all that survive.' So he is still claiming to have written them.)

'There’s also a run of updates selected by Jemima Spoons Cadbury, who I know started reading the site at update 78, which we’ll come to later... the first is update 22, Monday, 1 July 2002 - “Eric T. Nipples III, Mayor Of Milwaukee” ... (Lost in November 2003)...'

'The next one Jemima’s chosen is update 25, Sunday, 7 July 2002 - “Most Of It’s Too Tedious For Words” or Donald’s Film Trivia. (Lost in November 2003)...'

'Update 65, Thursday, 10 October 2002 - “A Genius In My Drinks Cabinet” or A New Stoat Story, was her next choice about the discovery of a new work of a fictional fiction writer called Hamilton Stoat... (Lost in November 2003)...'

'JSC ['Jemima'] has picked update 71, Monday, 4 November 2002 - “Even Gingerbread Men Had To Wear Trousers”, Some Lives Of Obscure Saints Or “A Belated Attempt To Raise The Tone...” (Lost in November 2003)...'

'I’m starting to worry about JSC now, she seems to have an unhealthy obsession with the site... however, it’s made this update easier, and I must admit that not only JSC chose these updates but she was the only prolific emailer. Anyway, update 78, Wednesday, 4 December 2002 - Answers To Correspondents: Singing In Factories & Waterloo. (Lost in November 2003)...'

'She chose the next update along from that as well, number 79, Tuesday, 10 December 2002 - Answers To Correspondents: Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost? & Oprah Winfrey. (Lost in November 2003)...'

All of these of course are mine. But wait! What's this?

'Lately, and I have to admit I am very close to JSC (she is my girlfriend after all), myself and JSC have had this slight obsession with otters... which prompted update 93, “It’s Cute, It’s Oily... It’s An Otter” or Otter Madness.'

There follows a reprise of 'Otter Madness'. It was stolen, along with the accompanying graphic, from 'The Man Who Fell Asleep.'

This for me is the most disturbing aspect of the whole thing. I do not find it funny at all. It appears he has been conning his girlfriend into thinking he wrote my works and those of others. In fact, I have been worrying in case he pulled the poor girl at least in part because she believes him to be Me, or some superhuman combination of Me and several other writers.

I could be quite wrong about that. I dearly hope I am. They may have been going out for years, or he may have many sterling qualities apart from his deftness at copying and pasting. But he does at least seem to be lying to her on a huge scale, and I believe this is why he is refusing to acknowledge the plagiarisms on his site. If I could think of any way to get in touch with her, I would feel morally obliged to do so, but 'Jemima' is a pseudonym and I have no other information. If there is anyone reading in Leeds who knows Pitts and 'Jemima', I urge you to make sure she knows the truth.

Thomas James Pitts, we salute you. You are one of a kind, sir. We do not hope to see your like again.

Real attributions of works on Thomas James Pitts' 'HSX' / 'The Thought Bucket' website

'University of the Labour Party', 'The Most Evil Song Ever Written' (TLC), 'Eric T. Nipples, Mayor of Milwaukee' (Why I Hate The Internet), 'Marriage Competition', 'A Genius in my Drinks Canibet' (A New Stoat Story), 'Lives of Obscure Saints', 'Donald's Film Trivia', 'Your Questions Answered', 'Waterloo', 'Singing in Factories/Gracie Fields', 'How's Your Father?', 'What is the Meaning of Death?', 'Why is there War?', 'Several Enormously Important Questions', 'Oprah Winfrey', 'Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost', 'Discipline in the Workplace and Office Etiquette', 'May Be A Hoax' (Gene Genie), 'Korsakov's', 'Underage Sex', 'No Son of Mine' (A Bad Kid/Jesus), 'Poor Deformed Gargantuan Breasts' (Why I Love Victor Mature's Eyelids), 'Zen is Chinese for Bollocks' (Go Movie), 'I Am Something of a Ladies Man' (The Lost Art of Seduction), 'How To Be Calm', 'So Brilliant We All Adored Him' (Station X), 'Do Not Accompany Ulriga into the Toilet' (Vulgaria), 'Let Us See If This Haemoglobin of Yours...' (Blood Thirsty), 'God Will Do Something Pointlessly Nasty To You' (Bible Studies), 'A Fine Culmination to Two Millennia of Civilization' (Pass Notes), 'Deader than Pharaoh's Cat' (The Detectives' Exchange Scheme), 'I Didn't Want To Get Into This', 'Is Saddam There?' (Breaking News/Fog of War), 'Pro-Celebrity Hedgehog Buggery', 'Setting Fire to Their Thumbs' (Street Wise), 'No One Would Pay Good Money To Study Origami' (What is the point of the Mobius Strip?), and 'Smearing it on their Loins' (Balls) all written by Michael Kelly at 'Michael Kelly's Page of Misery':
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/

'Television Vertigo', 'Who Spoils It And Who Makes It Better?'(Who indeed?), 'Why Not Join the Erection Boys', 'Stones, Not a Wicker Basket', 'Give Us A Hand With A Stone' (Stonehenge Conversations), 'A Harmless Remark', (Tippex/Gaffex), 'Ever Blown A Balloon?' (Televertigo 2), 'Genes Like a Ride at Alton Towers', 'Try the Vinegar, Jack?', 'Put Down Every Uppity Woodcutter' (Oppression parts 1-3), 'Bloody Difficult' (Running Through Space), 'Your Whole Family Could Have Been Wiped Out', 'Ooh, You Are Wonderful' (Shirley Combs Mystery), 'It Is Pointless' (Past Regrets Present Pleasures), 'I'm A Bit Odd, So Are You' (Counting and Guessing the Time), 'Did You Have Any Pancakes?', 'Set of Ordinary Felt-Tips' (99p Rainbow), 'Undiminished Awe' (Appreciating the World), 'A Lonely Nepalese Hill Farmer' (Approximating), 'Eject the Dummy From the Pram' (Our Customer Charter), and 'Facts from Zebedee and Florence' all written by Peter Perkins at 'Comedy Genius':
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk

'It’s Cute, It’s Oily... It’s An Otter' (Fighting Otters), 'I Have No Idea How To Write', 'God is Bored', 'I Was Very Drunk', 'Animal, Mineral or Dunstable', 'I'm Not Called Steve' (Ask Dr. Dre), 'They Are All Wrong', 'Badgers Crossing', 'You Are Not Art' (Horoscopes) and 'Death Takes A Holiday' all written by 'The Man Who Fell Asleep':
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com

'IDS to present Family Fortunes', 'Anne Robinson Tourette's Syndrome', 'Erikson Job Safe', 'Things Have Become a Little More Exciting' from 'News At Ten':
http://www.news-at-ten.tv/

'Cute Baby Gurgly Noises' and 'Good Eatin' in the Middle East' from:
http://www.thevoiceofreason.com/

'Bullshit Breeds Philosophy' written by Guitarizto:
http://www.angelfire.com/realm/guitarizto/

'Almost an Essay' (An Evil British Empire) written by Alison and David Flin:
http://www.flin.demon.co.uk/althist/ebe.htm

The four 'Bad Song Contest' pieces written by Dave Barry

For others see below

Complete listing and original addresses of stolen work:

Mar 2002-April 2002

Appear to be his and welcome he is to them. Brief boring paragraphs. The entry for Saturday the 6th of April, however, links to an article entitled 'Famous Last Words', posted in a separate section to the regular updates, implying it was written by him. In fact it was stolen from here:

http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/6537/real-a.htm

May 2002

Thursday 16th May

'University of the Labour Party' stolen from me, Michael Kelly's Page of Misery:

http://michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/ulp.htm

'Beards' stolen from 'Pigboy' (www.pigboy.co.uk):

http://www.pigboy.co.uk/pages/beards/

Pitts flat-out claims to have written them both:

'I’ve had another rant about something I heard about the other day, which is this: “The Labour Party is to launch its own university this autumn to train activists and MPs.” - The Times, 14th May. Unbelievable, so see my idea for what the final exam could actually be...'

'...Just a short update, admittedly because I’ve been writing that Labour party rant and finishing off the beards thing but I promise more great material on Saturday as I’m off work.'

Wednesday, 22 May 2002
"The Thermodynamics of Hell" - found on the internet, author unknown but not Pitts

Sunday, 26 May 2002
“The Tandem Story” - found on net, author unknown but certainly not Pitts, who claims he wrote it

June 2002

Saturday, 22 June 2002
“Is This The Most Evil Song Ever Written?” ('Why I Hate TLC')
stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/TLC.htm

July 2002

In the intro to the monthly archives Pitts boasts about how much he updated this month:

'This is more like it! 15 updates in one month, pretty much one every other day, including the competition to win my hand in marriage. It was a glorious month.'

Those updates are:

Monday, 1 July 2002
“Eric T. Nipples III, Mayor of Milwaukee” ('Why I Hate the Internet')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/search.htm

Wednesday, 3 July 2002
“Free Competition!” (Marriage Competition)
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/marryme.htm

Friday, 5 July 2002
“Underage Sex and Other Depravities” ('Keep Your Pants On You Little Bastards')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/underage.htm

Sunday, 7 July 2002
“Most of it’s Too Tedious for Words” ('Donald's Film Trivia')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/film.htm

Tuesday, 9 July 2002
“He’s No Son of Mine” ('A Bad Kid')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/badkid.htm

Thursday, 11 July 2002 “Poor Deformed Gargantuan Breasts” ('Why I Love Victor Mature's Eyelids')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/Vic1.htm

Saturday, 13 July 2002 “I Understand Vertigo Now” ('Television Vertigo')
Stolen from Peter Perkins (www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk):
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/televisionvertigo.htm

Tuesday, 16 July 2002
“Who Spoils It and Who Makes It Better.”
Stolen from Peter Perkins at Comedy Genius:
http://www.abctales.com/story/12163

Thursday, 18 July 2002 “Why Not Join The Erection Boys?” (Stonehenge Conversation1)
stolen from Peter Perkins:
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/stonehengeconversation1.htm

Saturday, 20 July 2002 “They’re Stones, Not A Wicker Basket.” (Stonehenge Conversation2)
stolen from Peter Perkins:
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/stonehengeconversation2.htm

Monday, 22 July 2002 “Give Us A Hand With A Stone Will You?” (Stonehenge Conversation3)
stolen from Peter Perkins:
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/stonehengeconversation3.htm

Wednesday, 24 July 2002
“A Harmless Remark About The Weather.” (Tippex/Gaffex)
stolen from Peter Perkins:
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/tippex.htm

Friday, 26 July 2002 “Have You Ever Blown Up A Balloon?” (Televertigo2)
Stolen from Peter Perkins
(www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk)
Have you ever blown up your own arse, Pitts?

Sunday, 28 July 2002
“Striking In A Pair Of Tight Fitting Jeans.”
stolen from
http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/14.45.html

Tuesday, 30 July 2002 “The Hassle Of Grooming...”
stolen from
http://www.btinternet.com/~knutty.knights/engineer.html

August 2002

Some that may be his, mostly aimless rambles. Some that seem too literate and entertaining for him but I can't find them on the net and won't presume to say he didn't write them.
Also a page of entrants to his Marriage Competition - not stolen from mine, they appear to have been genuine. And they sent him pictures of cakes. Bastard.

Starts with these though:

Thursday, 1 August 2002
“Land Of Sprouts And Chocolate, I Think Not.” ('Belgium Does Not Exist')
stolen from:
http://zapatopi.net/belgium.html

Saturday, 3 August 2002
“Bullshit Breeds Philosophy”
stolen from 'Guitarizto'
http://www.angelfire.com/realm/guitarizto/archives.html
ooh, Guitarizto, he no like that, he com hunt you down
pull your feengernails out and use them for plectrums, hombre

This is much deeper and darker than anything Pitts has stolen so far, and certainly much more so than anything he's written, and he appends a defensive note:

'I created this page for one simple reason: to make people think...you may like or dislike what I write, but regardless of personal tastes and preferences, the most important thing is to keep an open mind.'

You are wise beyond your years, my plagiarist friend. Hmm...okay...let me think a second...nope, you're still a dick

September 2002

Sunday, 1 September 2002
“As Happy As Larry, Whoever He Was”
?

Wednesday, 4 September 2002
“Making Food Go Hot”
?

Friday, 6 September 2002
“I’ve Already Covered The Important Subjects In Life...”
his?

Sunday, 8 September 2002
“Reproduce Several Key Scenes From ‘Fame’...”
Muses on the nature of fame

'I say "I'm a writer". I told my removal man that as well, when he asked. Problem with that is that the next question is usually "Oh? Which magazines?” Now I am not a cranky unpublished writer, but that's still a hard question to answer. How do I explain where people can see what I write, without letting on that I may in fact be famous, worshipped the world over?'

Pitts, you dolt, the proper reply to "Which magazines?" is "Which? magazines."
Then they say, "Yes, which magazines?" and you say, "Yes, Which? magazines."
Und so weiter, keep it going for hours, man

Tuesday, 10 September 2002
“I Feel An Addiction Coming On”
?
That old Copy-and-Paste monkey crawling up my back

Thursday, 12 September 2002
“My Random Act Of Kindness For Today”
This strikes me as unusually literate for Pitts but I can't find it anywhere else.
If it is his, he boasts of his growing fame as a writer

Saturday, 14 September 2002
“Zen Is Chinese For ‘Bollocks’” ('Let my People Go!')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/go.htm

Tuesday, 17 September 2002
“I Am Something Of A Ladies Man” ('The Lost Art of Seduction')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/seduction.htm

Saturday, 21 September 2002
“Almost An Essay”
A 7-part story Pitts specifically claims to have written himself:

'Enjoy, I certainly did while writing them, especially the comedy names.'
Stolen from Alison and David Flin:
http://www.flin.demon.co.uk/althist/ebe.htm
You have a comedy name, Thomas James Pitts
Ooh, ooh, I really wish I'd asked him the name of the false 'friend'
who supposedly palmed all my work off on him. He could have had
fun making up more names
'Er...Tim...No...Derek...let me think of a plausible name...Black Jack McBaddy...'
No, he'd have stolen one:
' "Shameful Roger" Esterhazy' (© S.J. Perelman)

Tuesday, 24 September 2002
“Young Or Old And Men And Women”
I presumed this was one of mine as it got deleted when he deleted all my articles. However, I don't recognise that phrase and I missed it when saving the evidence. It may be someone else's.

Thursday, 26 September 2002
“Barbecue Sauce Should Be Banned”
?

Saturday, 28 September 2002
“How To Be Calm”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/calm.htm

October 2002

Tuesday, 1 October 2002
“This Witch Turned Up, Selling Magic Lamps”
stolen from John Fanzine:
http://www.johnfanzine.com/minstrel2/

(John Fanzine appears to have detected a couple of later thefts from him and obtained belated credit. This one is still uncredited.)

Friday, 4 October 2002
“Sark - So Small You’re Only Allowed One Item Of Hand-luggage” ?

Sunday, 6 October 2002
“All The Major Drugs Begin With ‘C’”
stolen from Tavis Larkham:
http://www.lovedungeon.net/humor/byme/caffeine.html

Thursday, 10 October 2002
“A Genius In My Drinks Cabinet” ('A New Stoat Story')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/stoat.htm

Sunday, 13 October 2002
“He Was So Brilliant We All Adored Him” (Station XXX)
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/stationx.htm

Tuesday, 16 October 2002
“I Realized It Was In Fact A Sock” ('Korsakov's')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/Korsakovs.htm

(His name inserted where mine used to be in the text)

Saturday, 19 October 2002
“Do Not Accompany Ulriga Into The Toilet” (Vulgaria)
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/Vulgaria.htm

Sunday, 27 October 2002
“Let Us See If This Haemoglobin Of Yours Is All It’s Cracked Up To Be” ('Blood Thirsty')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/blood.htm

Wednesday, 30 October 2002
“God Will Do Something Pointlessly Nasty To You Out Of Envy” ('Bible Studies')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/moses.htm

I really may have to kill this creep with my bare hands

November 2002

Monday, 4 November 2002
“Even Gingerbread Men Had To Wear Trousers” ('Some Lives of Obscure Saints')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/saints.htm

Saturday, 9 November 2002
“You Are Certainly A Fine Culmination To Two Millennia Of Civilization”
('Pass Notes')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/pass.htm

Wednesday, 13 November 2002
“Deader Than Pharaoh’s Cat” ('The Detectives Exchange Scheme')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/tecs.htm

Monday, 18 November 2002
“I Am Incredibly Wise As Well As Handsome” ('Your Questions Answered')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/answers.htm

Wednesday, 20 November 2002
“What Is The Meaning Of Death?”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/death.htm

Tuesday, 26 November 2002
“Why Is There War?”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/syme.htm

Thursday, 28 November 2002
“Several Enormously Important Questions”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/qduck.htm

December 2002

Wednesday, 4 December 2002
“Gracie Fields/Singing In Factories & Waterloo”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/gracie.htm
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/loo.htm
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/qfather.htm

Tuesday, 10 December 2002
“Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost? & Oprah Winfrey”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/qlost.htm
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/qop.htm

Friday, 13 December 2002
“Discipline In The Workplace & Office Etiquette”
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/qsmut.htm
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/qsmut2.htm

Sunday, 15 December 2002
“Picking My Teeth With A Business Card” (Bad Song Contest/Mustang Humphrey)
stolen from Dave Barry ('Mustang Dave'):
http://www.lovedungeon.net/humor/dave/the_bad_song_contest_i.html

Sunday, 22 December 2002
“Unusually Intelligent Furniture”
stolen from Dave Barry:
http://www.lovedungeon.net/humor/dave/the_bad_song_contest_ii.html

Saturday, 28 December 2002
“Brain Takeover Alert!”
stolen from Dave Barry:
http://www.lovedungeon.net/humor/dave/the_bad_song_contest_iii.html

January 2003

Thursday, 2 January 2003
“Wacky Humour Website”
stolen from Dave Barry:
http://www.lovedungeon.net/humor/dave/the_bad_song_contest_iv.html

Tuesday, 7 January 2003
“The Monkeys Won’t Work”
found on net, probably from:
http://www.lovedungeon.net/humor/college/harvard-monkeys.html

Saturday, 11 January 2003
“Memo To All Students”
found on net, probably from
http://www.lovedungeon.net/humor/

Wednesday, 15 January 2003
“May Well Be A Hoax...” ('Gene Genie')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/gene.htm

Sunday, 19 January 2003
“Genes Like A Ride At Alton Towers...”
('Oppression Part 1')
Stolen from Peter Perkins at Comedy Genius:
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/oppression1.htm

Saturday, 25 January 2003 - AM
“Did You Try The Vinegar, Jack?”
('Oppression Part 2')
Stolen from Peter Perkins at Comedy Genius:
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/oppression2.htm

Saturday, 25 January 2003 - PM
“Put Down Every Uppity Woodcutter”
('Oppression Part 3')
Stolen from Peter Perkins at Comedy Genius:
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/oppression3.htm

Ooh! ooh! Check out the 'AM' and 'PM' time listings on the dates above,
copied from the listings in Pitts' site. See how prolific! He can
copy and paste in the morning and again in the afternoon!
The man is superhuman.

Sunday, 26 January 2003
“Normally Bloody Difficult” ('Running Through Space')
Stolen from Peter Perkins (www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk):
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/runningthroughspace.htm

Wednesday, 29 January 2003
“Ooo, You Are Wonderful” ('Shirley Combs Mystery')
Stolen from Peter Perkins at Comedy Genius:
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/shirleycombs.htm

February 2003

Monday, 3 February 2003
“It’s Cute, It’s Oily... It’s An Otter”
stolen from The Man Who Fell Asleep:
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/otters.html
(Pitts later gives the impression he wrote this for his girlfriend)

Friday, 7 February 2003
“It Is Pointless” ('Past Regrets are Present Pleasures')
Stolen from Peter Perkins at 'Comedy Genius':
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/pastregretsarepresentpleasures.htm

Friday, 14 February 2003
“I Have No Idea How To Write”
No argument from me, bollockbreath

Pitts appears to muse on his writing:
'A lot of people ask me: how do I become a great writer?'
...Except this too was stolen from 'The Man Who Fell Asleep'
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/writing.html

Monday, 17 February 2003
“Pump Up With The Pope”
?

Wednesday, 19 February 2003
“A Tough Task”
his, asks people to nominate favourite bits

Monday, 24 February 2003
”I’m A Bit Odd. Well, So Are You” ('Counting and Guessing The Time')
Stolen from Peter Perkins at 'Comedy Genius':
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/counting.htm

Wednesday, 26 February 2003
“You Can Call Budweiser Beer”
found on net

March 2003

Saturday, 1 March 2003
“As Coherent As Possible”
100th update anniversary 'Best of' (see above for details)
All mine save 1 from Man Asleep and another
- claims writing - after I contacted him, changed to say,
'all these lost in unfortunate error in Nov 2003'

Wednesday, 5 March 2003
“Did You Have Any Pancakes?”
Stolen from Peter Perkins at Comedy Genius:
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/yourhouseisatrisk.htm

Sunday, 9 March 2003
“Your Whole Family Might Have Just Been Wiped Out”
Stolen from Peter Perkins at Comedy Genius:
http://www.comedygenius1.fsnet.co.uk/whatsthematterwithyouthen.htm

Thursday, 13 March 2003
“Appearances Can Be Deceptive”
?

Sunday, 16 March 2003
“A Brick Throwing Contest”
?

Friday, 21 March 2003
“I Really Didn’t Want To Get Into This”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/iraq.htm
Pitts claims my half-arsed dithering on the Iraq War as his own. How bizarre, how bizarre

Tuesday, 25 March 2003
“King Boogaloo I”
?

April 2003

Tuesday, 1 April 2003
“Is Saddam There?” ('Breaking News'/'Fog of War')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/fog.htm

Monday, 7 April 2003
“God Is Bored”
stolen from 'The Man Who Fell Asleep':
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/god.html

Wednesday, 9 April 2003
“The Facts As I See Them” by PVB

This is a thought-piece on the war written by his friend 'Paul' or 'PVB'. Thomas James Piss scrupulously credits him and specifically says 'This is the first update NOT written by me'. Tending to disprove his claim that 'a friend' contributed the 100 or so stolen pieces and that there was no intent to pass them off as his own. Little fuck.

Tuesday, 15 April 2003
“Pro-Celebrity Hedgehog Buggery”
Back to business as usual. Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/arms.htm

Saturday, 19 April 2003
“Kev Is Gay”
stolen from 'John Fanzine',
belatedly credited and linked after Fanzine contacted him

Wednesday, 23 April 2003
“Having Sex Or Defecating Outdoors”
stolen from John Fanzine, as above

Saturday, 26 April 2003
“A Set Of Ordinary Felt-Tip Pens”
Stolen from Peter Perkins:
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/arainbowfor99pence.htm

Wednesday, 30 April 2003 A
“Setting Fire To Their Thumbs”
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/street.htm

Wednesday, 30 April 2003 B
“Badgers Crossing”
Stolen from The Man Who Fell Asleep

May 2003

Monday, 5 May 2003
"Undiminished Awe"
stolen from Peter Perkins (www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk)
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/appreciatingtheworld.htm

Wednesday, 7 May 2003
“The Hardest Drug You Can Get - EvoStick” by PVB
By his friend 'PVB', credited

Saturday, 11 May 2003
“A Lonely Nepalese Hill Farmer”
stolen from Peter Perkins (www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk) http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/approximating.htm

Friday, 16 May 2003
“I Was Very Drunk”
stolen from 'The Man Who Fell Asleep':
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/snooker.html

Saturday, 24 May 2003 a
“An Inspiration To Us All”
?

Saturday, 24 May 2003 b
“Making Cute Baby Gurgly Noises”
Stolen from:
www.thevoiceofreason.com/2001/No34/BabyCactus.htm

June 2003

Monday, 2 June 2003
“Eject The Dummy From The Pram” ('Our Customer Charter')
stolen from 'Comedy Genius' (Peter Perkins) (www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk)
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/ourcustomercharter.htm

Wednesday, 4 June 2003
“Nice Weather For Ducks”
His

Tuesday, 10 June 2003
“Animal, Mineral Or Dunstable”
stolen from 'The Man Who Fell Asleep':
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/lawyer.html

Sunday, 15 June 2003
“Good Eatin’ In The Middle East”
stolen from:
http://www.thevoiceofreason.com/2003/no71/IraqisAteWMDs.htm

Sunday, 22 June 2003
“No One Would Pay Good Money To Study Origami”
('What is the point of the Mobius Strip?')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/qmobius.htm

Tuesday, 24 June 2003
“They Fire Up Your Imagination”
stolen from 'The Man Who Fell Asleep':
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/spread.html

Thursday, 26 June 2003
“Things Have Become A Little More Exciting”
stolen from 'News at Ten':
http://www.news-at-ten.tv/articles/dog.htm

Sunday, 29 June 2003
“At Least You Won’t Be Mad”
stolen from:
http://www.kindred.org.uk/Malkavia/Warring.htm

July 2003

Sunday, 6 July 2003
“Out Of His Nut On Pills”
?

Wednesday, 9 July 2003
“The Man Has A Point...”
article, not his but credited

Sunday, 13 July 2003 a
“Smearing It On Their Loins” ('Balls'/'Testosterone')
Stolen from me:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/balls.htm

Sunday, 13 July 2003 b
“Too Unsettling For A Morning Audience”
TV review

Wednesday, 16 July 2003
“Moist”
his

Tuesday, 22 July 2003
“Any Random Rubbish”
his

Tuesday, 29 July 2003 a
“Finding The G-Spot Is A Doddle”
?

Tuesday, 29 July 2003 b
“What The Hell Was I Thinking?!”
His. Looking back through the site archives. Claims writings on the site as his own. Hilarious:

'Using my own words is by far the most disturbing part or this place for me. I'm completely self-conscious when it comes to what I've written and surfing through the archives only amplifies it. Half the time I'm left wondering what the hell I was thinking or analysing just how bloody immature and stupid I sounded. I don’t know where a lot of this stuff comes from!'

Hint:
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk

'In school I hated English class. Well, that’s not strictly true, I did like it sometimes. I used to dread anything that required brain usage to come up with a story or poem or whatever. That hasn't changed too much and it's quite often that I'll find myself 95% through an update only to wind up stuck for an entire day trying to craft something worth reading all in the name of making this site more than just strange things that make me wonder about my sanity.'

[Friend to Thomas James: 'Hey, Tommy, how come you were always so shite at English and all of a sudden you're writing these witty and elegant satires and parodies?']

'I don't remember ever having a teacher in my years at school that made me really want to learn or be passionate about writing. I also rarely pick up anything more than a car magazine or computer book so there's a distinct lack of writing influences and styles for me to draw from which leaves me convinced that the more educated amongst you could happily sit there all day long picking holes my writing abilities (or lack there of). There used to be a time when I read all sorts of things and in earlier updates that shows. I read a novel for the first time in a long time the other day.'

[Friend to TJ: 'And how come some of your stuff is still really shite?' Tommy-boy to friend: 'I am not reading so much as I was a few weeks back.']

[Then comes a solemn note:]

'Writing’s a powerful thing. It can make people laugh, make them cry, make them think. If done properly.'

Yes. If done properly. Remember, writers, keep the mouse button pressed down until all the words you want to copy are selected.

'I ended up having a discussion with JSC [his girlfriend] and her mum yesterday about what sort of book we would write if we had the chance.'

You sick, sick fuck, Pitts.

'JSC would write a deep and meaningful book, she’s that sort of person. Her mum confessed that she always wanted to write children’s books. And if I’m honest, I found it a hard question to answer. I think I could write two very different books, one sensible and one silly...They’d both be written in very different styles and I’d probably have to use two different author names so I didn’t alienate my audiences.'

[I can hardly wait. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Thomas James Pitts and What Ho, Jeeves by Humphrey Xerox.]

'I’m actually tempted to write a book now!'

[Resist that temptation, Tommyboy. It's a lot of work and your mouse-finger will get blisters.]

August 2003

Sunday, 3 August 2003 “I’m Not Called Steve”
('Ask Dr Dre')
Stolen from 'The Man Who Fell Asleep' (www.themanwhofellasleep.com):
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/dre.html

Saturday, 9 August 2003
“A Passion For The Industrial Archaeology Of The Midlands”
TV review

Friday, 15 August 2003
“Facts From Zebedee And Florence”
Stolen from Peter Perkins (www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk):
http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/thenobelprizeforguessing.htm

Friday, 22 August 2003
“Get Out And Push”
?

Wednesday, 27 August 2003
“I Have To Do That Working Lark...”
His, claims material on the site as his own:

'I know updates haven’t been as regular as I’d have liked. This is due to having very little spare time at the moment; there are a couple of corkers in the pipeline - including one that I’ve been writing for a good long while now. While I may never reach the heady heights of last summer when I wrote an update nearly every other day, the plan is still to try and produce 100 a year. That plan is something I’ve never revealed before but it’s a personal ambition of mine. I achieved it last year and I think I’m roughly on course to do it again. But then, that’s the problem with ambition...
'By the way, for those who want to know, I am on track to write another 100 updates this year.'

Dick.

September 2003

Wednesday, 3 September 2003 a
“It Just Kind Of... Happened”
His, claims writing on site as his own:
'I have written a lot in my 20 years on this Earth, some of it shoddy, some of it mediocre, some of it crazy, some of it thought provoking - all of these “styles” you can find somewhere on this website...Lately, inspiration seems to be a problem.'

Well, I wasn't updating, and I presume Peter Perkins and The Man Who Fell Asleep weren't either. Or maybe the right-click on his mouse was on the blink.

Wednesday, 3 September 2003 b
“Magnificent Paint Job”
? brief para

Monday, 8 September 2003
“Fast Tempo Gyration”
stolen from Duke Satire.com
http://www.dukesatire.com/archives/01_13_03/articles/grinding.htm

Tuesday, 9 September 2003
“They Are All Wrong”
stolen from Man Who Fell Asleep:
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/dictionary.html

Friday, 12 September 2003 a
“You Are Not Art” (Horoscopes)
stolen from Man Who Fell Asleep:
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/horoscopes.html

Friday, 12 September 2003 b
“A Little Bit About Johnny Cash Again” ?

Tuesday, 16 September 2003 “Nobody Is Getting The Message”
his, brief para and quote from newspaper story

Saturday, 20 September 2003
“A Powerful Little Bugger”
His. On his 150th update Pitts muses on the writing process and the sources of his inspiration. He claims to have written the material on the site, again:

'I’ve already disclosed details of how a standard day in the life of HSX works, however, that didn’t reveal too much about myself and just exactly how these updates are written...

'Against some people’s better judgement, I’ve decided to describe the processes that go into an update, the sources of inspiration I surround myself with, examples of rough drafts (if I can find any old ones!) [DICK - M.K.], a potted history of the site from it’s humble beginnings to the super-power that you worship and adore.' [DICK]

'Believe it or don’t, each update usually gets 2 or 3 different drafts before it gets seen online. Some of the more rushed ones however are put up as they are written - I’m sure you’ll be able to distinguish between these updates from each other.'

[Friend to Pitts: 'Hey Thomas, how come some of your pieces are quite elegant and literate and in others you write things like "distinguish between these updates from each other"?]

'I was going to try to find some old drafts, but I’m not sure where they’ve gone. I’ve definitely got some around here somewhere, but if you could see my room then you’d understand...!'

[You dickly, dickly dick.]

'Another thing about the drafting process is that, as I don’t sleep that well anyway, I tend to write a lot of things fairly late at night, around 2 or 3 in the morning. Now my handwriting is appalling at the best of times, so imagine what it’s like then!'

[Friend to Tommy-dick: 'Hey, Thomas, how come we never see you writing?' TomDick: 'It is all done at night when I lie awake thinking my great writerly thoughts.' 'Show us some of your drafts, O Great One.' 'Like all geniuses I scrawl furiously in the white-heat of inspiration and you could not possibly decipher it, peasant.']

'Take care, my friends, you all mean a lot to me.'

[The humble note. What a star.]

Friday, 26 September 2003
“No Chance Of Going On Strike”
Pitts specifically claims the following four pieces as his own, and by implication the rest of the material on the site (again):

'In the process of writing updates, I often have many ideas that get nowhere. So here are a few of them, not long enough to stand on their own but together they work well.'

What a dick. The four pieces comprising this one are:

'IDS to present Family Fortunes'
stolen from 'News at Ten'
http://www.news-at-ten.tv/articles/ids.htm

'Anne Robinson Tourette's Syndrome'
stolen from 'News at Ten'
http://www.news-at-ten.tv/articles/anne.htm

'Erikson job safe'
stolen from 'News At Ten'
http://www.news-at-ten.tv/sport.htm

'Death Takes A Holiday'
stolen from Man Who Fell Asleep
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/death.html

October-November 2003

Saturday, 4 October 2003
“Very Tight Hair”
his?

Friday, 10 October 2003 a
“The First Part Of The Lecture”
his
written after 'John Fanzine' (see above) contacted him; rails at the imaginary 'friend' who sent him this material without crediting. The dick. Then back to biz as usual:

Friday, 10 October 2003 b
“Personal Vendetta”
stolen from:
http://www.thevoiceofreason.com/2002/No60/VillageGoss.htm

Tuesday, 21 October 2003 a
“Blimey”
His. Claims to write the updates, again:

'Updates will be written slightly more quickly soon (after all, it’s half term next week and then there’s only another week and a half in school until I’m back at University - I should be able to get back into wasting time quite easily), and we should get back to the usual two updates in a week pretty soon. Who knows, I may feel really inspired and write three a week... that kinda puts me under pressure now to deliver, I’ll manage for a bit!'

Dick.

Tuesday, 21 October 2003 b
“She Spread One Leg...”
found on net, origin unknown

Tuesday, 21 October 2003 c
“The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog”
found on net, origin unknown

Tuesday, 28 October 2003
“It Gave Me A Virus”
Found on net, origin unknown

Note that most updates are signed with the HSX initials and dated.
There are several pieces somewhat too literate for Pitts I have been unable to locate on the net; the original authors may have deleted them.

(By the way, Nate from Art of Europe bet me that if I posted a page like the above Pitts would immediately copy it to his own site out of sheer autonomic reflex)

[Graphics:]

'From the Desk of HSX.'
Dick.

10th Dec 03

NB: Final bizarre addendum July '04:
Someone recently mailed to say that several of the pieces I was unable to trace were stolen from the website www.newmailbox.co.uk. I saw several there on the page marked 'Ed' - including, I think, some of the ones where Pitts seemed to be boasting of his fame and prowess - and there may have been others scattered throughout the site. However the site went down the next day and still isn't back up and I don't intend to waste any more time on this. My correspondent reckoned that the Humphrey Xerox pseudonym itself may have been stolen from this site but I've been unable to confirm that.

Ugh

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