FREE COMPETITION: WIN MY HAND IN MARRIAGE

Scarcely a day goes by without I hear of some marriage arranged or destroyed by the Web of Lust. The time has come for me to take advantage of this cybernetic meat-market. In fine, I am looking for a bride, and you, lucky surfer, may be eligible.

What's in it for you, I hear you ask? Well, a UK passport for one thing, still a highly desirable item for denizens of benighted quarters of the globe. But there are many other reasons why you might wish to marry me.

• If you are a secret lesbian who needs a token husband to stop well-meaning relatives fixing you up with men, I WILL MARRY YOU. As long as I can watch you, you know, at it, or you describe it to me.
• If you are a potential heiress who needs a pretend husband to satisfy a codicil in a will, I WILL MARRY YOU. As long as we can do it like, once, at least, or you describe what it would have been like.
• If you are a rich, lonely old woman, I WILL MARRY YOU. As long as you're very rich and nearly dead, and you don't expect me to pretend to be George Formby or Andy Stewart or someone when we do it. Never again.
• If you are a beautiful spy or drug courier needing a completely pliant husband for purposes of camouflage, I WILL MARRY YOU.
• If you are a beautiful 'Black Widow' type serial killer, I WILL MARRY YOU, as long as you kill me after we have sex, not before or during. Or kill me with sex. Or an overdose of nice cakes or something. Something nice.

Or if you are a wicked step-parent or dodgy legal guardian of some dimwitted, but presentable, girl, and are looking to get shut of her for nefarious reasons of your own, I can take her off your hands, no questions asked.

This competition is open to all biological females between the ages of 12 and 83. To enter, simply send a short, concise essay explaining why I should marry you (or your retarded ward). Hint: if you choose to tell me why you want to marry me, keep it brief - if it's the passport you're after, for example, don't bang on about how much your government's persecuting you or whatever - concentrate on how you intend to make ME happy.

Spelling and punctuation will be taken into account. If you can't write or don't speak English, send a photograph of yourself and a picture of a cake you have baked recently.

Index

Addendum
Entries received so far can be found here and there in the 'Answers to Correspondents' section