Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I turn thirty in a week. When I was a kid I vowed to myself that by the time I was 30 I would own my own bouncy-castle. Now look at me. I can't even afford the air to go in it. Life is strange. But then, compared to what? Never to have been born would be even stranger. For one thing, it would be really cramped in my Mum's tummy by now, and I wouldn't be able to watch telly unless she put her legs in stirrups and pointed her crotch at the screen. And it would be really difficult to have a serious conversation with anyone. People would probably have to post notes to me. Yes, that would definitely be stranger.

Visitor's Name: Mollyneaux
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Like your Bible study. [Thanks. Had a bit of help from God.] Some of the local fundamentalists would get a kick out of that. [Can they read?] My mum is here reading your page with me. [Hi Molly's Mum!] My brother's name is Aaron, so that last one had more meaning for us. I'm so glad you're turning 30 before me. You can tell me if it really hurts and maybe how I can prepare myself for it. Why don't you ask your parents to get you a bouncy castle for your birthday? [I have hinted, but they'll probably just get me a car or something crap like that.] I mean, they are spending their hard earned cash supporting you anyway. How's the French match going? Happy families now? [Sister seems fairly blissed.] And whatever did happen to that novel? [There's nowhere left to send it. Did I mention Faber and Faber stole my box-file? Yes, I did. Well, it still rankles.] Should I get on your case about it? [Should I get on your case about your stuff?] If it's set in Wigan, I am more than certain you have put Martin Cruz Smith to shame. (Don't tell Wulffe, but I think it's a load of poo, and not even 70s white dog poo at that.) ['Rose'? Rose is ace. I was a tad disappointed with the new Renko book, though. What does Wulffe reckon?]

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Did I tell you the priest ballsed up my sister's wedding service? He got mixed up with the song from the end of 'Only Fools and Horses'. He went, "Do you take this woman for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, black or white, rich or poor, we'll cut prices, add a straw." Then he just carried on and sang the whole song: "God bless Hookey Street, viva Hookey Street, long live Hookey Street, c'est magnifique, Hookey Street...Hookey Street." He tried to get everyone to join in but no-one took him on. He tried to brazen it out, during the sermon he said, "I bet you're wondering why I did that, aren't you? Well, you know, a marriage is a lot like a dodgy market stall in Peckham, isn't it?" and we all went, "No, it's not." I hate when priests say stuff like that. "The other day I was watching my grandson playing on his Lara Croft machine, and this rather pneumatic young lady was swinging on a rope over a pool full of crocodiles. And, you know, that's a lot like something that once happened to Jesus." "No, it's not."

Visitor's Name: Mollyandry
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Could you please make me a gentle Val Kilmer with a passion for licking honey off a woman's toes?* I can give you one of Sigourney Weaver's toenail clippings if you promise to set her loose on the House of Commons.

*refers to the cloning of film stars in the 'Brief History of the Future' piece I'd just posted

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: If I was cloning Kilmer I would start with a rat's turd and work from there. I hate him unreasonably for his pathetic attempt to portray The Saint. I am the only man in the world suave enough to play Simon Templar. Also, he betrayed the delectable Joanne Whalley. I could clone Scottish footballer Kenny Dalglish for you if that's any good. I have some of his leg hairs. Don't ask why and I won't ask why you have Sigourney's toenail clippings. Actually I will. Did you bite them off in the throes of passion?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Me and Kenny gave each other a leg-wax one night, if you must know.

Visitor's Name: Molly too tired to think of a funny name
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: You need to add devious ace reporter to the "Are you" list. Wulffe has been saving Sigourney's toenail since she caught it in his dressing room door, just incase he needed to do some voodoo on her. Val played an absolutely delectable Saint, almost as perfect as his tragically gorgeous Doc Holliday. How dare you mention that Dalgleesh man in the same sentence? I'm pretty picky about movie stars, but if you really can't manage Val, then I might settle for a taller version of Brad Pitt, as long as you promise his brain starts off as a completely blank slate. [That's redundant, surely, he said bitchily.] (P.S.Wulffe really did play opposite Sigourney in a stage play. I have the photos.)

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: No, no, no. The Saint is a British icon and the whole thing was a monstrous travesty. You might as well have Sigourney playing Miss Marple. In action-woman mode, blowing the baddies away with a machine-gun and riding round on a rocket-powered zimmer frame.

Visitor's Name: Molly Stuart
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Ok, I concede on that point, but it's nowhere near as bad as Kevin Pinhead Costner playing Robin Hood. Anyway, Val is just so entrancingly wonderful, not to mention the fact that -- my God -- he can actually act, that I have to forgive the Yankee transgression in this one case. I think Sigourney would make a perfect Miss Marple, especially if you can splice in a bit with ten foot green monsters exploding out of her midriff. I think you're really onto something there. You ought to call her agent before someone steals the idea from you.

Visitor's Name: Molly always will be younger than you
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: P.S. What's it like to be 30?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Thirty is dreadful. Already I can feel the rot setting it. Already I find myself noticing comfy chairs instead of women. It's all right for you, though, women only really start to hit their peak around 30.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: The Hollywood Miss Marple would be able to kill people with her knitting needles and use her wool as a garrote. And her pearls would be explosives. In her house she'd have one of those chair-lift things old ladies have to take them upstairs, but when she pressed a special button on it it would take her down to a secret Marple Cave full of gadgets and weapons, and the chair would slide into the cockpit of a rocket like on Thunderbirds, which would take off through St. Mary Mead duckpond. No, the rocket would be disguised as the steeple of the village church. The vicar would be her equivalent of Albert the Butler, except he'd be a very muscular and well-oiled young man wearing little more than a dog collar.

Visitor's Name: Molly Spielberg
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid seduce Englishmen
Comments: Yeah! Tell your lawyer to contact my lawyer. I think we have a definate go on this one. Can you put in a super-trained little yorkie dog? Something like Tin-tin meets bionic police dog?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Yeah, I thought that about the dog. It could fire grenades out of its arse. And she could whirl it around her head on a super-sharp lead and decapitate people with it. The way I see it, the film opens outside the palace of a Latin American dictator. Two guards: 'Who goes there?' Miss Marple shuffles into view, walking her dog and pushing a tartan shopping trolley. 'Relax. Ees jost som leetle old lady.' 'Hey, old lady, you want a good time? Lick your leg for a quarter, lady.' She takes out a bag of sweets and says: 'Would you like a Mint Imperial, young man?' 'I take all your steenking Mint Imperials, old lady,' sneers the guard, grabbing them. 'I wouldn't if I were you. They're very strong,' she says. The guard laughs and stuffs half a dozen in his gob, and they explode and blow his head off. 'Madre dios!' says the other, and looks round to see the shopping trolley is really a rocket launcher. 'Somebody should teach you boys respect for your elders,' drawls Miss Marple, and blows him away.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Miss Marple isn't really an old lady, of course. She's a Special Forces agent whose hair was turned white by a biological weapon in the Gulf War. And her commanding officer abandoned her in the desert, so now she works freelance as an international jewel thief and assassin. But now she's the only one who can save the world from a madman, so the CIA sends her former commander to St. Mary Mead to persuade her to help. This is the bloke who abandoned her because he thought she was dead, but he's also her former lover. And he goes into her house and she's sitting there in a rocking chair knitting, with a blanket over her legs and granny glasses (which feed her information from NATO satellites). "Jesus God, Jane, nobody told me." "Do I know you, young man? Come closer...my eyesight..." So he comes closer and she kicks him in the jaw, sending him flying back against the wall, and throws the knitting needles so that they pin him there by the neck. "You dirty low-down son of a bitch," she says huskily, and snogs him.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Actually I think her lover should be Hercule Poirot, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: She should still do the classic Miss Marple thing of analyzing everything in terms of what she's learned about life from living in a village. "What the hell does this Lopez want?" "Lopez is a sadist, Mr. President. He reminds me of Tommy Timpkins." "Who the hell is Tommy Timpkins?" "Kid I knew back in St. Mary Mead. He put a mouse down the back of my blouse in church one Sunday." Reminiscent smile. "I broke his collarbone in two places."

Visitor's Name: Molly Marple
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid seduce Englishmen
Comments: You're on a roll.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I'm on a comfy chair, actually. There will be lots of lingering close-ups of the comfy chairs in Miss Marple's house, for the over-30s audience.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Some alternative casting ideas in case Sigourney isn't available: Linda Hamilton from Terminator. Demi Moore. Bruce Willis in a grey wig. Pamela Anderson. A Barcalounger.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: This summer...One woman stands between you and annihilation...Before the Spice Girls...Before Xena...There was...MARPLE. That's the cinema trailer. There'll also be a poster campaign featuring a scantily clad Miss Marple cradling artillery, with slogans like, 'Respect Your Elders', 'Grey Power', 'Don't Teach Your Grandmother To Suck Eggs. She'll Blow Your Freaking Head Off.'

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Great scene at the village fete. Miss Marple is in her old lady persona and she's runner-up in the cake-baking competition. Prince Philip is the celebrity judge, but just as he's about to pin the Second Prize rosette on her she realizes it's not Prince Philip but an android walking bomb sent to kill her. So she pulls his head off and drop-kicks it out of the marquee, where it explodes. A retired major says to his wife: 'I told you we should have given her First Prize.' And then Ninja assassins come and she has to disarm them all using cakes and scones and prize marrows and stuff. And there's a chase sequence on traction engines.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Agatha Christie actually wrote one extremely barmy Hercule Poirot novel which would be perfect for Hollywood. It's called 'The Big Four' and it was written during her breakdown in 1937, just before she sensationally disappeared for several days (shacking up with Dustin Hoffman according to the film 'Agatha'.) It features, among other things, Poirot running around hoiking bombs at people. He also uses a trick cigarette which fires poison darts. Hastings is captured by a sinister Fu Manchu chinaman, imprisoned in a Limehouse opium den, and almost shoved through a trap door into the Thames. I think there's also a death ray involved somewhere. Halfway through the book Poirot fakes his own death, but about two pages later reappears sans moustache and pretends to be his identical twin brother, Achille Poirot. He then dons a fake moustache and pretends to be Achille pretending to be Hercule. I'm not making this up. They're fighting an international conspiracy orchestrated by a diabolical genius, and at the end they track him down to his Bond-type secret base, a labyrinthine tunnel complex inside an Alp, complete with a self-destruct button which blows up the whole mountain at the climax. True, I swear, and very bizarre.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I'm a big fan of Christie, but her final book, 'Postern of Fate', is also completely potty. Tommy and Tuppence, bright young thing detectives from her early books in the 20s, are now retired and totally senile. It turns out their tiny village is being used as the headquarters of an international spy ring, 'because it's the last place anyone would look.' Among the fiendish things they do is organize long-haired young hippies to go round bashing old ladies - this appears to have been a particular fear of the ageing Agatha as the same theme recurs in at least three of her later books. The plot centres around a long-suppressed scandal dating from 1906 which, apparently, would bring down the government now, in 1978, if it was made public. It turns out to be something like some bloke at the admiralty in charge of building Dreadnoughts got off with his German governess. Tommy and Tuppence spend pages and pages endlessly repeating themselves and Tuppence spends most of the book wandering around in a daze playing with Edwardian toys and trying to remember nursery rhymes from her childhood, upon which, it turns out, the whole thing hinges. When she discovers the clue that solves everything, she promptly forgets about it, and they spend another 30 pages in a state of bafflement before she discovers it again. Touchingly, in spite of their incipient dementia Tommy and Tuppence are very proud of their excellent memories. At the end the international spy ring is smashed and flees the village, and the head of British intelligence says something like, 'They'll try again. We believe they have now moved their headquarters to Lyme Regis.'

Visitor's Name: Mollcule Poirot
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like horses
Comments: Sounds like Agatha Christie should have had more break-downs. It must be amazing to have so much time on your hands you actually read Agatha Christie novels. [Miaow!] I am depressed because it's my birthday tomorrow. I don't actually have a problem with turning 30, I think it makes me sound more down to earth, and as if I know what I'm doing. I just hate having birthdays. How was yours by the way? Did you get your bouncy castle? [No, I got a bathchair. Miss Marple will have an armoured bathchair, by the way.]

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: My birthday wasn't too bad. Drank champagne. Ate chocolates. Put on that mad 'Birthday' song off the Beatles' white album about a hundred times. Reviewed my life. Cried. What do you have planned?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: "Who is she?" "Your worst nightmare." MARPLE. This Summer.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: "Martinez!...Quimby!...Report at once!" "Your men are already dead, General." MARPLE. Coming soon.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Fools fear nothing. Wise men fear...MARPLE.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments:

M is for Mayhem

A is for get that Arse

R is for Ruction

P is for Power

L is for Lurve

E is for Excitement

M A R P L E

The woman who put the Grrr in Geriatric. At this cinema soon.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Blue rinse? Blue murder. MARPLE

Visitor's Name: Mollecule
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid seduce Englishmen
Comments: I took the afternoon off, but not before someone let the cat out of the bag and they got me a cake and everything. And a card that said "don't cut your cake during PMS," but they crossed out PMS and put "deadline." Well, I laughed. Then I hung out with some new-age friends in the local cake shop, and ate chocolate cake. One friend who has the same birthday gave me a crystal. Now I'm going to play webfreelotto, and burn the "money attracting" incense I was given. Then I'm going to see if the dog stops whining if I cut his head off with a hatchet, I mean take him for a walk. I gained 20lb over night, and woke up feeling like I'm pregnant. It's so jolly to be 30. Sorry I didn't send you a card. I'll make up for it when I'm in a better mood.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Have a good day then. Being thirty is really much better than being a mixed-up youngster in foolish pants.

Visitor's Name: MollATimes
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: What is your porpoise?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: ???!!?? Dolphin in particular. I see second childhood has arrived punctually.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Did you know that porpoise means 'hogfish' in Latin? It's derived from it, anyway. Rather dour of the Romans. Like something a redneck would call it. 'Gonna fry me up a mess of hogfish.'

Visitor's Name: Mollypropism
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: What about "codswallop"? Does that mean anything in Latin?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I don't think so. I think 'wallop' means beer, and cods are what used to be kept in a codpiece, so I would guess that 'codswallop' = 'urine' = 'what a load of wee-wee'. Alternatively, if it's wallop in the sense of 'to strike', to wallop your cods would be to practise onanism. 'He does confess he feels himself distracted, but from what cause he will by no means speak. Methinks he doth wallop his cods.' Hence 'Codswallop!' would mean 'what a load of w**k.' Webster is my source for the porpoise derivation, if you doubt me.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Webster is my butler, a keen etymologist.

Visitor's Name: Angela
From: South Wales in the United Kingdom
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Michael, You are very weird and some of your comments are naughty and obscene but the innocent and not obscene ones are very funny indeed. I actually laughed out loud to myself and I only do that in response to very funny people! Thanks for brightening my day Michael. Mrs Angela Selby

Visitor's Name: Me - a Nana Mouskouri lookalike
From: A fertilized egg
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: Who is Rosa Luxemburg? And is she bald with a limp and a parrot Michael? From angela

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: my dad's testicles, if we're going that far back
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Thankee kindly ma'am. Will try to be less naughty and obscene. Rosa Luxemburg (not to be confused with the small nation of the same name) was a German revolutionary babe in about 1919. Nana Mouskouri is hot and can have possession of my Elgin marbles any day. Whoops, sorry. If you really resemble her I would like to lick taramasalata off your feet. Whoops, sorry.

Visitor's Name: Mollagain
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: This being thirty thing is serious. Today someone came up to me and said "You're Marissa's mother aren't you?" Marissa is 19 or 20. [Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! MK] I refrained from pointing out the obvious to him. Surely he will be incredibly embarrassed when someone else enlightens him. To prevent any serious long-term effects on my own psyche, I am assuming he was in a very altered state. He was taking a break from playing Spanish guitar at the cafe. [Yes, Molly, of course. Those wild and crazy Spanish guitar players are notorious druggies. John Williams makes Keith Richards look like Cliff Richard.] My cat, who I think I will name Spazz, [No.] says "Meaow," and is trying to find a piece of furniture to rip up that is out of my observance. She's very inteligent. Last night I stuck my finger in her face and said, "Do not wake me up before 7," and she didn't. She waited till I was awake, and then had her morning spazz attack. The lightbulb just blew out. The interminable bullshit never stops. Spazz says "meaow" in such a way as to sound just like "hello." She really is remarkably inteligent. Being 30, I keep catching myself making these ridiculous demands on myself, such as "be mature." It's getting scary. I am half-way through my sentence at the paper. [Oh, what a gift. Ahem. 'What's holding you up, the verb or the noun?' '$7 an hour to write one sentence in three months isn't bad.' Etc.] It can't get any more difficult. Can it? Not for $7 an hour. Catchya later, old man. [And you, Marissa's Mum, ha ha ha.]

Visitor's Name: Mollalloveragain
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Well, you're in a pooey meany old mood, aren't you? What got your goat? [Me? No! Just indulging in a little healthy schadenfreude. The ha ha ha was genuine laughter. I'm in a great mood. Why wouldn't I be? I just got asked for some ID in an off-licence. And then I was asked to audition for Harry Potter. If Marissa is 19 or 20, she could easily be someone's mother herself. That means you look old enough to be a granny. Ha ha ha ha ha.]

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: the isle of eternal youth
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: You would be too old to play the Hollywood Miss Marple.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: St. Mary Mead
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: "We meet at last, Miss Marple." "Actually, I prefer Miz Marple. Mother****er." Coming soon.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Time passes...

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments:

Time passes...

Thorin hits the orc with the axe.

Visitor's Name: Mollrovia
From: here, no there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: I'm sorry, were you expecting somebody? [I expect everyone, and I expect no-one.]

Visitor's Name: Mollory
From: Everest
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: With all this expecting going on, are we expecting a sudden growth spurt in the population? If so, would you please stop it, as we have far too many people already. An amazing number of them are Germans. What does this mean, I wonder?

Visitor's Name: Ted Moult
From: Everest
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I disbelieve the overpopulation thing. Has anyone ever seen these supposed five billion inhabitants in the same place at the same time? For all you know it could be the same few dozen people rushing about from place to place putting on different disguises. For instance, the bitch at the dole who is currently trying to pauperize me is quite plainly Mrs. Bulstrode, the battleaxe dinner-lady from junior school, only with a different moustache. She denies it, of course, but then she would. And Yasmine Bleeth off Baywatch is working in the local vet's under an assumed name. I have been shaving bald spots into the cats just to have an excuse to visit her.

Visitor's Name: Mollywood
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: That doesn't explain the Germans.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Germans? Fat, jolly, bumbling, good-natured beer-drinkers. I don't see a downside. The ones to worry about are the Mormons. They breed faster than other people because they have 27 wives each. And they inbreed, so they have pinhead babies. Pinhead babies come out quicker. And they eat people.

Visitor's Name: Mollrongo Casino
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: What do all the extra male mormons do? Or do they go out amongst the heathen to capture wives? [Yes! That's why you should always lock your windows at night, in case the Mormons carry you off. There was a scandal recently in Britain where there was a vacancy advertised in a Job Centre saying 'Young woman with childbearing hips wanted to lie on couches and eat chocolates all day', but when they went for the interview they were chloroformed and woke up in Utah, chained to a stove with thirty pinhead children staring at them sinisterly.] And don't Muslims and Hindus also have the same thing going on? [Dunno. But according to my 'Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable', the Koran says every believer will have 72 houris in paradise.]

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Having 27 wives might not be all fun. What if they started menstruating sympathetically? Imagine living in a house with 27 women with PMT and 108 pinhead children.

Visitor's Name: Mollhamud
From: Messina
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 72 hours in paradise sounds like a bum deal to me. 27 menstruating women can't be as bad as 27 men at any time of the month. [But the pinheads? What about the pinheads?]

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I think orthodox Muslims are allowed to have four wives but usually don't in practice. Reminds me of a scene in one of the St. Trinian's films. Cecil Parker, playing a shady but charming headmaster who's knocked around the world a bit, has been making up to Joyce Grenfell, playing policewoman Ruby Gates, so she won't arrest him for selling the Sixth Form into slavery. She tells him she's going to say he was the victim of circumstance, so he feels obliged to reluctantly propose marriage to her.
GRENFELL: Oh, Tiger! ...Are you in a position to ask me?
PARKER: Do you mean, have I been married before? Well, yes, naturally. Twice, as a matter of fact.
GRENFELL: Twice?
PARKER: You forget I am a Muslim.
GRENFELL: Well where are the other two now, then?
PARKER: In a caravan on Canvey Island. Don't worry, it's got four berths. You'll hit it off splendidly.
GRENFELL (running off weeping): Tiger, oh Tiggy-Tiger, how could you, how could you?
PARKER: Canvey Island...that was a stroke of genius.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Who will sign my luvverly guestbook?

Visitor's Name: Molliver
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Hi.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 'Lo.

Visitor's Name: Mollaroni cheese
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: Yer life is just a bowl of Allbran. Ya wake up evry mornin an it's there. ...

Visitor's Name: Michael Kellogg
From: The road to Wellville
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: You've been reading The Little Book of Calm again, haven't you?

Visitor's Name: Mollden's nut gone flake
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: No, listening to 70s hippie music.

Visitor's Name: The Allbran Brothers
From: Idlewild South
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I give up. Who? Rather depressive hippies, by the sounds of it, who had problems with bowel movements.

Visitor's Name: Molly exhausted
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Sorry, can't remember, but the record was called Ogden's Nut Gone Flake, and it was shaped like a tobacco tin. Today was my last day at the paper. I don't know whether to cry or celbrate.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: Itchycoo Park
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: The Small Faces. Celebrate.

Visitor's Name: Mollionairre
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: You are an endless wealth of useful information. Yes, I did celebrate, actually. Some friends took me out for sushi. I laid off the sake though. My last assignment at the paper was to interview a romance novelist. I was less scornfull after meeting her and her husband who were both very nice and very knowledgable. They also have two very nice cats. (My cat has recently discovered knitting wool, and is in tangle heaven. I need to put a film in my camera and keep it in an easy to reach place for those candid, cat all tied up shots, to tease her with when she's older.) Anyway, the novelist writes historicals, and although they are not what I would call literature, the one I'm reading is rather entertaining. It's about the early Mormons. What a thoroughly unpleasant and bloodthirsty bunch! Anyway, I figured it's about time I jolly well just wrote my bestseller. I've got just under three weeks, but I haven't a clue what it's about. Now where did I put that Belgian chocolate?

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Barbara Cartland
She is Barbara Cartland
Comments: Yes! Excellent! Good idea! Do it! It'll be great fun! I love those kind of books. Who was the lady novelist? My mum might have heard of her if I haven't. Mormon romances are hilarious. Boy meets netball team. 77 brides for 7 brothers. She was his 36th wife but she was determined to be number one.

Visitor's Name: Mollmon
From: Utah Territory
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: Her name is Diane Noble. I have no idea how people make up such banal stuff.

Visitor's Name: More Moll
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: She also writes under the name of Amanda MacLean.

Visitor's Name: Victoria Holt
From: Love Castle
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: It is not banal! There's far too little romance and bosom-heaving in the world. You should definitely write one. I will help if you get stuck.

Visitor's Name: Mollified
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Well, if I had any ideas good enough to get me over my lethargy. ... I have just been reading Virginia Woolf aloud to my cat. It is improving her mind dramatically. Today she came downstairs and lay on the sofa with full knowledge that the dog was in the room with us. she took it all very calmly untill he couldn't control himself any more and threw a barking wobbley. Anyway, Mrs. Dalloway is an almost religious experience. Who cares what bullshit our lives are made of when we can read real literature? Anyway, I just decided to drop all my "creative writing" classes. I never have been attracted to the idea of wanking in public. I am going to take all history classes and be done in one year, then I might take a credential for teaching primary school. That takes one year, so I could have a theoretical job and not be destitute in 24 months from now. If I do the little kids thing, I don't have to know my subject perfectly, I will have more chance of a job, as if I wanted to teach in high school I should've done maths or English. Also, a whole bunch of six year olds sounds much more fun than young adults with a need to sharpen their will powers. I'm annoyed I decided this too late to get into Introduction to Latin. Now that has to be miles more useful than Beginning Playwriting. Don't you think? Now there's the writing problem. Those stupid classes I had to bullshit my way through last year have just strengthened my writer's block. There is no hope for me. I shall return to Mrs. Dalloway and weep. I hope all is well with you, and you at least are producing some more masterpieces. The world would be just too tragic otherwise.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: a room of one's own
Favourite Spice Girl: Virginia Woolf
She is Virginia Woolf
Comments: Ooh! Ooh! Ginny rules! Haven't read 'Mrs. Dalloway', but 'The Voyage Out', in which Mrs. D. features, is on my 'pending' pile. Have you read 'The Waves'? It blew me away. Like nothing else I've ever read. 'To The Lighthouse' is amazing too. Share your aversion to wanking in public. Reminds me of something Oscar Wilde said: 'What a man does once in private behind closed doors he will end by doing in the street in broad daylight,' or something. That's always worried me. Latin - yes! Definitely. I wish I knew it. Re your writer's block, I was quite serious about the romance novel and I really think it might help unblock you. If you could knock off ten pages a day of whatever fun and fantasy comes into your head, it would be half done by the time you went back to school. Just have fun with it and tidy it up later. Really. How about one about a revolutionary babe in Tsarist Russia? You've already done the research and it practically writes itself. Country estates. Seedy lodgings. Samovars, tubercular poets. Meaningful looks into each other's eyes across illicit printing presses. Pursuit by the police. Lots of snow and ice. Dachas. Troikas. The howl of wolves in limitless forests. Interludes in Switzerland. Prison. Siberia. Death. Romantic as hell. Really, do it.

Visitor's Name: Jim
From: my mum
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid seduce Englishmen
Comments: thank you for your invaluable advice in the "Lost Art of Seduction" as a 31 year old virgin, I found the information contained there-in truly enlightening. I intend to put your advice to work first thing in the morning. Wish me luck.

Visitor's Name: Jabroni
From: The Rock
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Aye, you ficking doooooooooood [Ah! Street patois! A big irie up you, my man! MK]

Visitor's Name: Molldustillo
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Sounds like you have the whole thing worked out. You write it! I'm on vacation. [Lazy, lazy.]

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: The Lizard Lounge
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Jim - some surefire chat-up lines I forgot to include:

"Please, please, please, go on, it would mean so much to me and so little to you."

"Go on, please, I'll be really quick, you'll hardly notice me."

"I am an artist of Lurve. Tonight, you are my canvas."

"Aaaargh, aargh, have you heard, a giant asteroid is about to hit the Earth, quick, let's shag."

"I am an Angel of God and you have been chosen to give birth to the new Messiah."

"Come with me, quick, a Terminator is after you, I've been sent to save your life and help conceive the new Messiah."

"Do you think anyone could ever love a man with a two-foot vibrating penis?"

And my personal favourite: "I am the most desperate man in the world. Go to bed with me or I will cry on your shoes."

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: the barricades
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Michael Kelly's Page of Misery salutes the courageous hauliers and farmers running the petrol protest. They are true Britons in the mould of Churchill and Bader. Fight the power!

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: the bunker
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: The local shop has run out of cigarettes. Michael Kelly's Page of Misery demands the government shoot these anarchist scum at once.

Visitor's Name: Andrew Miller
From: Illinois, U.S.
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Funny site. [Ta.]

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: a post-apocalyptic wasteland
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: This panic-buying is getting out of hand. On 'Supermarket Sweep' today the only thing in the shop was a single packet of Brillo Pads. Dale was hard-pressed to come up with different clues for it. The whole thing was a sick travesty. Not as embarrassing as 'Top Gear' last night. Clarkson was reduced to putting his feet through a hole in the bottom of a Porsche and trying to do a Flintstones number with it. It can only be a matter of time before the cooking programmes start giving us recipes beginning with, 'First, catch your horse...' Truly, these are the last days.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: the wasteland
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Some petrol is starting to trickle through. I finally managed to get to a shop and stock up on staples. Literally, staples. That's all there was left.

Visitor's Name: Molligamy
From: the land of luxury and abundance
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: What on earth is going on over there? Are you under seige by forces from Sealand? When have I last looked on the round green eyes and the long wavering bodies of the dark leotards of the moon? [You've been at the nail varnish remover again.] Oops. Did you really run out of staples?

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Britannia
He is a street-fighting man
Comments: What's going on is the British people are rising up and throwing off their shackles. Revolution! Except they've packed in now. Do you really not know about the blockade of oil refineries in protest at fuel duty? Run by lorry-drivers and farmers and supported by almost everyone. All filling stations ran dry and a few shops ran low on food due to panic buying. Blair completely lost it and threatened to call out the army. Now an opinion poll shows he could lose the next election and 98% of the electorate want to see him fed to wild dogs.

Visitor's Name: Mollignorant
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Wow, and there I was calmly reading Mrs. Dalloway. I had no idea. Of course the American working classes have been so successfully brainwashed that'll never happen over here. [Took everyone by surprise here, too. It was inspired by the French protests. And it was a largely middle-class protest, or self-employed people anyway. A lot of the London media elite sneered at them.] Not at least untill there's no Ben and Jerry's in the shops. Everyone is complaining bitterly about the price of gasoline being over two bucks (one pound forty or so), but no-one has any intention of doing the slightest thing about it. [Luxury! Over here you can buy a human kidney cheaper than a tank of petrol.]

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Anyway, what about Seattle etc.? That was groovy. All of a sudden these are exciting times to live in. I have decided misery is no longer an option. It is time for me to stop wetting the bed and get with the programme. I am inspired to go and post something rude on the Downing Street website again.

Visitor's Name: Mollanthropist
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: You should join the VSO my dear boy. Your youth is wasted on wetting only your own bed. [!] Or go and chain yourself to a tree in the rain forest. Better yet, make yourself a cutting and subversive sandwitch board [Mm. I like sandwiches.] and walk around Oxford street shouting the end will come. [Did you ever see the 'Protein is Passion Food', 'Meat Makes Lust' man? He used to make me feel hungry and horny.] Useful idiots for alternative history (or something similar) is what Wulffe is always quoting. You should aspire to be one of them. [Thanks Moll. My school reports used to say similar things. 'If Michael applies himself he may one day become a useful idiot.'] Anyway, Seattle is so far from here, we heard hardly a tweep about it, let alone what really happened. Southern Californians, as a strict rule, do not care. About anything. Except their sexual organs and their bank balance. [Oh, how shallow! Don't they know there are chocolate biscuits as well?]

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: VSO and chaining yourself to trees and other forms of mature patient work isn't really what I had in mind. I'd much rather save the world by smashing things and assassinating people. Actually I was thinking I'd like to be a secret agent, like a government hit-man, for some nice, gentle country like Sweden. Like I'd be summoned to an office in a secret base and this very concerned man with a blond beard and a pipe would say, 'Come in, Agent Kelly. Would you like a chocolate biscuit?' 'Don't mind if I do, sir.' 'Keep the whole packet. Now. There's a certain world leader we think is dangerous. His head is filled with fashionable right-wing nonsense and he receives money from multinational corporations. His country are militaristic, they pollute, their social security system is inadequate and airbags are not fitted as standard on their cars. We want you to...pay this man a visit...try to make him listen to reason...' 'And if he won't?' The Swede looks solemn. 'Then you are authorized to employ the Ultimate Sanction.' 'You mean...?' 'Yes. We want you to give him a Chinese burn.' 'I see, sir.' 'But give him a chocolate biscuit afterwards.' 'And if he still won't listen to reason? Can I...tickle him?' 'Yes, you can tickle him, but if he tells you to stop because he cannot breathe, you must do so in case he is asthmatic.' 'I understand, sir.' 'It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. Here, you may need a water pistol on this mission. Try not to squirt it in anyone's eyes, you could do them a mischief that way.'

Visitor's Name: Mollymorph
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: When I saw that guy, his sandwich board said don't eat fish because the vitamin E makes you horny. He was the dude. Over here, biscuits are these stale looking salty scones that people eat for breakfast with sausage gravy poured on them. Many people have a thing for chocolate chip cookies, but the real deal, digestive or even hobnob variety chocolate biscuit is sadly missing from Californian life. I think that's what's wrong with them all. No sense of coziness. They only drink crappy Carnation hot chocolate too, the kind you make with water. Perhaps the answer to all the world's problems is emergency drops of chocolate Digestives and Cadbury's hot chocolate.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Wonder if the protein-passion man is still around. Perhaps he has a website now. Must do a search. I used to wonder if there'd been some defining moment in his life when he discovered his mission. I think his parents were Vegans and religious maniacs and probably put bromine in his tea. And he came to the big bad city as a student, and one day he succumbed to temptation and ate some pilchards on toast in his seedy lodging room. All of a sudden there is a strange stirring in his trousers. "Hello, what's this?" Just then his slatternly landlady Mrs. Bullivant, played by Irene Handl, comes in, and the next thing he knows he has thrown himself on her with piratical cries of lust. "Ooh, wait a minute, deary, let me put me mop down." The next morning he awakes on the kitchen table in a scene of devastation, his paramour snoring next to him wrapped in some curtains. He and Mrs. Bullivant have humped themselves senseless on every surface in the house. Overcome with remorse, he scourges the harlot Bullivant with his belt and goes forth to warn the world of the dangers of pilchards.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Oh! Oh! Oh! Check this out:

Passion Proteins

1-100 101-200 301-end

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