Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: Hell
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: This page salutes Britain's courageous move towards
liberalization of the drugs laws. While you can still be sent to jail for
possessing cannabis, and while two homeless-shelter workers are in jail
for failing to inform police of their suspicions that inmates might be
using, the good news is that Tory party treasurer and alleged
money-launderer to cocaine barons Michael Ashcroft has been made a
Lord. In other news, Indian leaders have hailed Clinton as the avatar of
Krishna, and rumours are rife that the Blair baby may be named
'Vladimir' after Russia's new Premier. The world is ruled
by a club for the most dreadful people on the planet and once you're in
you're fireproof. Every time you pay your taxes they laugh at you, and
every time you vote for them an angel weeps.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: Hell
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Another new life peer who should be in prison rather than
the House of Lords is Matthew Evans, managing director of Faber and
Faber. When I sent my novel to Faber they stole the box-file I sent it in
and returned the manuscript wrapped in a rubber band. They also stole
the return postage for the sample chapter I originally sent, which I
never got back. Is that the sort of person who should be running the
country? If there was any justice in the world Evans would be a legless
beggar on the streets of Hong Kong, pushing himself around on a
wooden trolley with a wonky wheel.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: Hell
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Really, we would be better off being ruled by the
Cardassians off Deep Space Nine. Gul Dukat may kill people, but at
least he is cool and stylish in a snidey, George Sanders kind of way.
Blair kills people but has no style whatsoever and, it is rumoured, is
incontinent.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: Hell
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I think anyone who gets a job in the government has to
prove they're evil by going through an initiation ritual involving killing
someone with their bare hands. Even people like Margaret Beckett.
'Come on, Margaret, it's time to make your bones.' 'No, I don't want to,
I don't want to kill anyone.' 'Come on, Margaret, just one, just an old
person, you'll like it once you try it.' 'No, no.' 'It's you or them,
Margaret,' says Alastair Campbell sinisterly. 'We can't afford any
spectators.' When David Blunkett joined it was a mess. He was lashing
out left, right and centre with a cleaver while his guide-dog nipped the
victim's ankles. 'Use the Force, David,' chuckled John Prescott, merrily.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Memo to self: no-one is reading this. Take half an aspirin
and go and watch the ice-skating.
Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: I've been neglecting you and you seem so angry - now I
know what you've been up to. I agree with the club bit - there ARE
aliens already here. A good few of them work at my local tax office
where they devise methods of extracting measly pensions from old
widows and young divorcees. But they're not all men. God help us if
the Barking Bearded Collie gets one iota of power - the raving
lizard-keeper is bad enough. Anyway it doesn't matter as the Picts are
taking over anyway. CAn you do a triple salchow?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Maria Butyrskaya
She is Maria Butyrskaya
Comments: Salchow, no. I can do a Triple Klutz, which involves
falling on your arse three times in quick succession. I thought you liked
Ken? I've gone off him a bit since I saw his new campaign logo/slogan
'Ken 4 London.' It's spelled like that, with 4 instead of for. Why was he
whining about needing to raise campaign funds if he was going to piss it
away on design-wank like that? Some overpaid Jasper in a fancy
restaurant going, 'I think what'll really endear us to the voters is if we
have a slogan that looks like bus-seat graffiti.' What's next, 'Ken
Rools'? 'Kenny L is 100% fit, signed Tracey.' Or maybe The Artist
Formerly Known As Prince is his new campaign manager. His songs all
had titles spelled like that, 'I am 4 U 2night.' Maybe at his next
conference Ken will be dressed in purple and have two foxy
leather-clad mulatto chicks writhing around his legs. "I will provide a
publicly-funded transport system and will personally give cunnilingus
to every woman in London." Really, Ken's is one campaign that doesn't
need money or fancy PR. He should just ride around London on a
donkey and tell it like it is.
*[Update, some years later: It is of course quite clear now, as it should have been at the time, that Ken Livingstone is a dreadful person. That he was briefly cast in the role of some kind of folk hero and plucky underdog is a testament to the Briton's sense of fair play and the fact that the New Labour party apparatchiks who tried to stop his candidacy were even more detested than he. What's more mysterious is why Londoners have never hung him from one of his bloody cameras in the interim. Even apart from his loathsome behaviour, policies and friends, an acquaintance who is more politically committed and aware than me once made a very convincing case that L's extremist behaviour with the old GLC helped keep the Tories in power throughout the 80s, which in turn led to the Blairites' takeover of the Labour Party. Can anyone since Gavrilo Princip have been responsible for so much horror? - MK]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I have been quite tetchy the past few days. Possibly the
flu I've had. I was lying in bed today watching the Pokemon cartoon
and I thought, 'I'm glad we dropped The Bomb on Japan. We should
have dropped more of them.' Also, my brain lesion is getting worse. I
was flipping through the TV guide and I read (I thought) the following
description of a film: 'The heartrending tale of a young boy who
discovers his natural mother gave him up for a dolphin.' It would make
a good three-kleenex afternoon TV movie, mind. I mean, you would be
bloody annoyed if you found your Mum had given you up for a
dolphin.
Visitor's Name: Molly Munchkin
From: the nearest major airport is called LAX. you work it out
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Did you ever read those terrifying stories by H.P.
Lovecraft? He was right you know. The reason the world is so fucked
is all those "pollytitians" are in the service of Cthulhu. He has already
been raised from his confinement beneath the Atlantic, and even now
we are being prepared for the day they can openly declare him
imperator of the solar system. As if that isn't bad enough, the bad guys
rule the rest of the universe too. Not too long from now, the vast
majority of us poor serfs will be trudging around in a grey chemical
wasteland, wires trailing from our empied skulls, offering our throats in
ecstasy when we are chosen to donate what is left out our anemic
blood. There is nothing we can do about it. Enjoy Pokemon and the
dolphin movies while you can, and don't have any children. My, I'm in
a cheerful mood, better go get my lithium.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: That makes perfect sense to me, Moll. If anything, your
vision of the future is a little too rosy. It is high time world leaders
came clean on the Cthulhu question.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I am now committed to writing the script for a film called
'The Boy Whose Mother Gave Him Up For A Dolphin.' It's about this
tortured young man whose mother abandoned him for a dolphin when
he was a kid. There's this great scene where he finally tracks her down
and starts yelling, 'Jesus God, mother, what must I do to you? How
could you? How could you give me up for a dolphin? A manta ray, a
porpoise even...I could understand...but a dolphin! The buffoons of the
deep!' She's unrepentant: 'Dolphins are on the road a lot. He didn't want
some whining brat in tow. It was you or him. Besides, you wouldn't
have wanted to be dragged from one sleazy Ocean World to the next...
He was playful, easy to be with. He jumped through hoops for me.
Your father would never do that.' The dolphin's dumped her by this
time, and she's living with a squid. 'Jesus God, Mom! You're just a
scuba-whore!' The thing is he can never trust women now because of
this traumatic abandonment. And he nearly gets a girlfriend, but then
he offers her a tuna sandwich and she says, 'I don't eat tuna.' And he
screams, 'Oh, you don't eat tuna? Because of the dolphins, right? You
like the dolphins, huh? You're just like her! You're all the same! You're
just another scuba-whore!' But the way it starts off, he's committed to a
lunatic asylum for trying to trepan himself, he's been found trying to
bore a hole in his head with a woodworking drill, and this top
psychiatrist has to find out why. 'I just wanted a hole in my head,' he
mumbles. 'Why?' 'Women find it attractive, didn't you know that?' And
at the end, he tries to blow up an aquarium or a water theme park to
kill all the dolphins, and the psychiatrist brings his mother to try and
stop him, but just as she gets there a police marksman shoots him in the
head. And there's a hole in his head and cranial juices are spurting out,
and he screams, 'Hey, Mom! I can spurt water out of my head like he
did! Do you love me now, Mom? Huh, Mom? Do ya? Do you love me
now, Mom?' And he dies, and she says, 'Jesus God. My son. What have
I done?' The End. Or is it? Just before the end, the police say, 'Well,
that's all over, anyway,' and his mother says, 'Hmm, wait a minute
though, didn't I have a daughter as well?' And then we cut to the
bedroom of another psychopath, with defaced pictures of dolphins all
over the wall, and we see the hands of a girl loading a harpoon gun,
and creepy music plays...
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Oh my God! Have you seen the papers today? Ken is
wearing purple! Purple is his official campaign colour! I was right!
Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Blimey. the blood one went on a bit. [Went on a bit? Went
on a bit? What on earth are you talking about? It's a model of economy
and streamlined storytelling, you ingrate! You might as well say
Humpty bastard Dumpty goes on a bit. TV and depraved living appear
to have eroded your faculties to a point where your reading should be
confined to the topside of a Polo-mint. Except that you'd probably
keep on going round and round until you complained that that went on
a bit too. MK.] I felt sick at the end. [Sick? Sick? What the hell do you
mean? I feel sick. I have been nourishing a viper in my bosom.] Station
XXX. Blimey.Larf. I forgot I was reading a letter. Excellent fantasy.
Typical middle aged male. [Middle-aged? Middle-aged? In what fetid
swamp is life-expectancy so short that a man in his late middle twenties
is considered middle-aged?] Do YOU feel better now? [Not much, no.]
A rare find - ahahahahah - You KNOW what a GONK is!!!!! Excellent
footnotes-captivatingly irritating and irrelevant as usual. Yes a rare
find. I reiterate -- it should not be hidden in your funnyfarm page.
[Mmm. Thanks. I think. Funnyfarm? Funnyfarm?]
Visitor's Name: needa again
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Purple Kennie - remember - i said at the start that you're
psiiiiikik. As the Kraaaaaaaken has awakened I'd better keep one of my
eyes on you.
Visitor's Name: Mollycletian
From: the Declining and Falling Empire
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Since when has 29 been considered "late middle
twenties"? And that not for very long, huh?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: And you can bog off as well.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 20 and 30 are the outside edges of your twenties.
Anything in between is the middle.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Besides, you don't count the time you spend in bed. By
that reckoning I'm 20. More like 12, actually.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: That was an unemployment gag, by the way, not a sexual
boast.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Mollycletian! I suppose you wear purple and all.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I think your twenties last until you're 33 or 34, really, don't
they?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Needa, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I wouldn't have minded
anything you said about the other stuff, but the vampire story is the
apple of my eye. It's inspired and perfectly worked out and alone
justifies my whole sorry existence. Suppose you had a dozen children,
and most of them hadn't turned out quite as you would have liked.
They had things slightly wrong with them - superfluous nostrils, a third
eye in the middle of their forehead, a vestigial hand growing out of
their neck, things like that. A couple of them were well-formed but
were vicious and foul-mouthed and had inherited all your very worst
characteristics. But among all these you had one perfect daughter:
graceful and supple and comely, with a rich glossy mane of hair falling
halfway down her back and huge but perfectly formed breasts. Brilliant
too, and of a mild and modest disposition withal, tender affection
shining in every look from her beautiful doe-like eyes; soothing your
brow when you were worried, joyfully bringing your slippers when you
were tired, showing every promise of being a comfort to you in your
old age. Would you not cherish that daughter above all else? Would
you not keep her locked in a room so that nobody could ever see her
but you? Spend hours at a time gloating over her, glorying in every
minute detail of her as she strode around in the string bikini you had
bought for her? Of course you would. And then suppose one day,
against your inclinations, you decided to take her out to show her off to
your favourite Aunty. 'How Aunty will admire her,' you would think.
'How she will praise her and fuss over her! Why, she will probably
swoon and shriek, "Take me now, Lord."' And so you escorted your
darling precious out into the cold cruel world to show her to your
Aunty, and all your Aunty could say was, 'Eee, there's a bit too much
of her, isn't there? Her legs are too long and her jugs are too big. Ooh,
she wears me out. Where's the little stumpy one with the fingers
growing out of his neck? I like him.' Would you not exclaim, 'You
foolish and ungrateful Aunty,' and tie her up in a sack of ferrets? Of
course you would.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Now, I am off to the adoption agency to procure just such
a daughter as I have described.
Visitor's Name: MollyWonka
From: candyland
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: I thought the vampire story was totally inspired.
[Thankyou. MK] There is a young man in my class who writes vampire
stories, and I am going to show it to him as an example of what he
should aspire to. [No, don't. It wouldn't be helpful to him. Instead try
and find him a copy of a Kingsley Amis short story called 'To See The
Sun'.] Don't worry, he won't plagiarize. [Of course he will.] What I
don't understand is how you suspend your disbelief long enough to
come up with this stuff. I'm still at the staring at the blank page stage,
me. It's actually rather fulfilling in a masochistic kind of way. Now the
dinosaur thing, talking about plagiarism, isn't that just a teensy weensy
bit like my Sex Pistols story? [You mean the time the Sex Pistols
'invaded your playground'? Are you finally admitting that was only a
dream, then?]
Visitor's Name: Mollsupial
From: a sunny place
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: It is possible to plagiarise from life you know. If I had
made it up, I might not be having such problems with writer's block.
Which reminds me, are you going to tell me your secret or not? If it
hinges on being paid by the DSS to loaf around in your parents house,
drinking endless cups of tea, interspersed with sips of Southern
Comfort, then don't bother. I rather like the audio porn too, by the way,
although wulffe was a just a tad disapointed by it.
Visitor's Name: Doris Grimbleweed
From: Heaven
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I suppose not working is a help.
On the other hand, if I knew The Secret I wouldn't be on the dole,
would I? I can't believe you
bothered to download the audio porn. I apologize for the length of time
it takes. (I've been trying to learn how to compress sound files but most
of the techno-nerds out there, including the geeks who built my
computer, seem to think it's self-evident.) I quite like it myself but my
Welsh accent is a bit ropey. You don't honestly believe the dinosaur
story was inspired by your punk-rocker trauma, do you? It obviously
harrowed you so much that the mere mention of playgrounds is enough
to bring it back. Did the nasty men frighten you?
Visitor's Name: Lena Macaroni
From: around
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Did Johnny Rotten pull your pigtails?
Visitor's Name: Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
From: Macclesfield
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Did Glen Matlock start a game of All Pile On with you at
the bottom?
Visitor's Name: Sir Lancelot Spratt
From: St. Swithin's
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Did Steve Jones put snails down your vest?
Visitor's Name: Moll Viscious
From: Bishop's Stortford
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Yes to all three, although the result wasn't so much a
trauma as an interesting development of my sexuality, especially
regarding the snails. By the way, the audio porn didn't take that long to
load, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. The happy tune doesn't work
at all by the way.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Chortle! Snails! I suppose I can see that. You should put
that in a book.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Needa here has a fantasy about Ken Livingstone where he
commands an army of trained newts to slither erotically over her naked
body.
Visitor's Name: Mollusc
From: Hollywood Hills
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Don't you remember the snails?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I'm not likely to forget. According to you they are godless
degenerates who can change from male to female at will. They have
orgies lasting for days, fuelled by coke and amyl nitrate. They have sex
organs on their heads, which makes it difficult for them to have serious
conversations with each other. You wanted to get a research grant to
watch them at it. I had no idea, however, that you enjoyed putting
them down your vest.
Visitor's Name: Mollyadry
From: Tunbridge Wells
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Well, I don't know if the snails helped, but I just started a
story. [Hurray!] Two pages so far (and it's not entirely diaglogue) so I
might even finish it. [Well done!] Of course it does help that wulffe is
off spouting bloody Shakespeare somewhere else. I better get
somewhere with it because my teacher, who has VERY high
expectations is REALLY angry 'coz I missed class. I have to write 4
whole stories this quarter.[Good.] Please sympathize. [No. Get your
arse into gear.] By the way, you should send the vampire story to
forbidden planet or somewhere. Anyway, you can tell by this rate of
correspondence, just how many breaks I am taking from my difficult
task, so I better get my cup of dandelion tea, [Rock and roll] and get
back to it, before the ol' geezer gets home. P.S. Hi Needa. Are you still
around?
Visitor's Name: Mollagain
From: Catmandu
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: P.P.S. I thought you'd like to hear the latest: [Why? Why
would I want to know this?] wulffe discovered that our dog has
developed a masturbation habit. [But dogs don't have thumbs.] Perhaps
this will delay him finding out what those big furry balls are really for.
YUCK!!!!! [Yes.]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I have been meaning to mention that there is a slight
possibility the very nice editor of a very prestigious magazine might be
visiting this site to read one of my pieces. I really hope she doesn't
wander in here and find us talking about onanistic dogs and deviant
behaviour with snails.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Snails and newts are beginner's stuff sexually, anyway. I'll
say one word: caterpillars. You'll never look back.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: There's a weird sex-cult in South America whose members
lie down naked in the path of the annual caterpillar migration. There's a
place in the jungle where every year there's a migration of a vast
mile-long river of millions of caterpillars, and these people just lie
down in front of it nude and let it wriggle over them. They're the
remnants and descendants of a band of 60s hippies who came there
looking for the ultimate high and never left. The locals call them Los
novias de los orugas, 'The brides of the caterpillars'.
Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Hello here I am wot's this audio porn. you are an amature
kiddo. God you're a 14.yrol schoolboy from darlington aren't you? I
don't understand all this snail stuff - look in Tom Hardys' Tess for the
ultimate in sexy snail snot. [Ha! Yes!] I can't stop the frigging sound
thingy now. Molly - need help with essays ? - ask needa. Kelly - you
need help.
Visitor's Name: needa again
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I've only just checked all your
entries darling. Would you say you find constructive criticsm difficult
to cope with? [Constructive criticism? Constructive criticism?]By the
way the sound thingy is still trying - typical mid to late 20's male. Yeah
you know too many words to be 14. ALLO!! It's getting interesting.
Scuseme a minute.............. Michael you know you're a genius - who
cares if an old turkey like me is fedup with soppy porn and blood
stories - it's just all too realistic cheri. [Realistic? Realistic? Ascot must
be twinned with Nineveh.] The sound thingy has reached a climax and
b.......ed off. typical male
Visitor's Name: Mollydisgusted
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: You are perfectly right, dogs do not have thumbs. They
do, however, have very long tongues
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Moll, This Link will help your dog pursue his new hobby
more effectively.
Visitor's Name: Mollus Aurelius
From: somewhere
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Thank you for making me laugh. I needed that. Sorry for
being so prurient. I haven't been feeling well recently. I am also,
mournfully, facing up to the reality that I probably won't be making my
living by writing by the time I finish school. It's all such bloody hard
work, isn't it? I don't know how I can possibly go out there and find a
real job! [Stay at school.]
Visitor's Name: Mollingway Not
From: this broken down old sofa
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Where did you get those pictures? Did you dress up your
maiden aunt's pooches just for me? [I did a search. 99% of the internet
consists of pictures of people's pets. Dogs wearing dresses is bloody
funny, mind. Have just decided that after the revolution all pets will be
required to dress as humans for my entertainment.]
Visitor's Name: Alan 'right eye' Titchmarsh
From: Mel C's house
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like
horses
Comments: No shrubs
Visitor's Name: Alan 'Cher' Titchmarsh
From: Sonny Bono's house
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Do you believe in life after shrubs?
Visitor's Name: Joe Dolce
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Shrub a ya face.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Damn you, Titchmarsh! You vile corrupter of
womanhood, you potting-shed Lothario! Every girl I ever fancy wants
to be your wheelbarrow. 'Pretend you're Titchmarsh,' they moan, 'bed
me down, prune me, spray me for greenfly.' Bog off, you
smooth-talking gigolo, and stick your shrubs where there's plenty of
fertilizer.
Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Consider it done.* I have done it before. Gypsy Needa
neeSmith. Spot on Michael. Top hole. That needs publishing. And we
are better than the others, so what are they like? [Beastly.]
*Referring to 'Let The Gypsies In' and my call for a gypsy curse to be placed on xenophobic politicians
Visitor's Name: John 'inner eye' Lennon
From: The Maharishi's Inner Sanctum
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A studious ice-queen, seething with repressed passion
Comments: All you need is shrubs
Visitor's Name: Richard Ashcroft
From: The Verve
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: The shrubs don't work
Visitor's Name: demelza
From: lyonesse, cornwall
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: You should try Rum & Shrub my lover. That do the trick
at all times.
Visitor's Name: Molly the Great
From: the weather's a lot nicer here than where you are
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: How about the shrubs of 17th and 18th century Europe?
[Terrific. Two of you at it now. MK]
Visitor's Name: Ross
From: Nampara
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: When I met you, Demelza, you were just a common
shrubber.
Visitor's Name: Hannah "doing her thing" [Ha! Another shrubber]
From: S Club Heaven
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: S Shrub Gonna show you how... [Oh, my God.]
Visitor's Name: Brenda "Little Miss Dynamite" Lee
From: The Moon
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Come on little baby Let's jump the broomstick Come on
Let's fall in a shrub [Like all great men, I am surrounded by loonies.
MK]
Visitor's Name: Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch
From: the 60's man
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid
seduce Englishmen
Comments: The shrub of Xanadu [Consider me the Man from
Porlock.]
Visitor's Name: Renee & Renate
From: Eetaly
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: Save your shrub my darleeng Save your shrub [You don't
have much in your life, do you?]
Visitor's Name: John Wyndham
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: The Day of the Shrubs [I've just been sitting here trying to
decide which would be more disturbing: if it was one person doing it
over and over again, or several different people all belonging to some
hideous shrub-related cult. All glassy-eyed and mumbling and covered
in leaves.]
Visitor's Name: Morrissey
From: The Smiths
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: There's more to life than shrubs, you know, but not much
more [...standing up to their ankles in soil, swaying gently in the breeze,
endlessly intoning, 'Loam...loam...loam...']
Visitor's Name: St. Molly Eustachium
From: 4th Century Rome
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: Wow. I gues ol' Blesilla's problem trying to understand
Ecclesiastes with that over-strictly-potty-trained old bugger Jerome as
her tutor is nothing compared to what you seem to have to put up with.
Just remember, she starved herself to death over it. I think maybe some
microchip enabled super weed killer might be in order.
Visitor's Name: Jerome from Rome
From: The Preface to the Commentary on Ecclesiastes
Favourite Spice Girl: Blesilla
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 'I remember that, about five years ago, when I was still
living at Rome, I read Ecclesiastes to the saintly Blesilla, so that I
might provoke her to the contempt of this earthly scene, and to count
as nothing all that she saw in the world; and that she asked me to throw
my remarks upon all the more obscure passages into the form of a short
commentary, so that, when I was absent, she might still understand
what she read.' Hilarious. The old bugger's spouting all this depressing
shit at her, so she goes, 'Look, write it all down and I'll read it later,
OK?'
Visitor's Name: Needa Jr
From: Not from from her
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A studious ice-queen, seething with repressed passion
Comments: As Ivanic said [Which of us has not, at one time or
another? For many years this was my chat-up line] "The discourses
writers have available for writing have been acquired through specific
encounters with them in actual (spoken or written) texts in their past
experiences. These intermental/intertextual encounters [Intertextual
encounters sounds like something swinging librarians get up to. Once in
my school library I found myself standing very close to Myfanwy
Bradshaw, the belle of the prefects' lounge. Looking meaningfully into
her eyes, I caressed her neck with a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover,
and she slammed me in the balls with the collected works of Andrea
Dworkin] have provided the scaffolding for acquiring the discoursal
repertoire available to them at the moment of writing" [Why do
linguistics experts find it so difficult to speak English?] Boy, there must
be a lot of shrubs out there bothering people [Are you the phantom
shrubber, then? I was amused really. You seem to be a complex
creature, half semiotician, half giggling imbecile. MK]
Visitor's Name: Sarah Quick
From: Worcester, MA
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is A studious ice-queen, seething with repressed passion
Comments: you've got a very intelligent and amusing webpage. It has
made me laugh several times. You seem like my kinda guy....[And you
are a woman of taste and discernment. MK]
Visitor's Name: Needa Jr
From: Ipanema
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: I am my mother's daughter! I would like to start a small
discussion group if I may. The topic is rather unsavoury but intriguing
nonetheless. Why was there so much white dog poo in the 1970's and
why don't you ever see it these days? Sorry to be coarse but it's quite
bothersome. I would write to the Daily Mail questions page, but I
refuse to buy the Daily Mail and would therefore never be able to read
the answer. Hope someone can help!
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Snarfle! That is sooo true. I can't remember the last time I
saw a really good albino dog turd. I wonder if there's any connection
with Nestle's Milky Bars. They were really big in the 70s too, but you
hardly ever see them any more either. Maybe the dogs were eating
Milky Bars, or maybe Milky Bars were made out of white dog turds. I
too would like this mystery cleared up. Any canine cack experts out
there? What causes white dog poo, anyway? If we knew that we might
be able to make an educated guess.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Maybe the EEC have enforced a standardized colour for
dog turds. I insist that you do contact the Daily Mail questions page, by
the way. Or write to your MP.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: God, I wish I'd kept one. People pay a fortune for that sort
of 70s retro-kitsch. 'Lot 248, a Spangle once owned by Noddy
Holder...Lot 249, a genuine etiolated dog stool, slightly crumbly.'
Visitor's Name: elf chick in chain-mail
From: Colorado
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: I think you scared off Sarah Quick. It looked as if you
were in there too. Now this dog poo thing. You guys are just so mature,
I don't know if I can legitimately join the conversation. Didn't you ever
notice that the phenomenon in question only occured in the heat of the
summer, and the objects under discussion were not white until
dessicated by sunlight? I remember the heady days of the 70s too.
Probably just as clearly as you, Mr. Kelly. So did you ever have to be
reprimanded by your mother for wanting to discover what they tasted
like? [I preferred the brown squidgy ones. My mother, a parsimonious
woman, encouraged me for reasons of economy. MK] For they do
remind one of Milky Bars, you are so right. The Milky Bar kid, by the
way, still gets me all hot and flustered under my leather breast plate.
[My childhood sweetheart Lucy Forster also had a thing for him. I am
happy to report he is now a burned-out wreck pacing round a
Kane-like mansion in Buckinghamshire, desperately trying to recapture
his glory days. Occasionally he stumbles forth in costume and attempts
to give chocolate to the neighbouring children, and gets arrested. MK]
Visitor's Name: another elf chick in chain-mail
From: same place
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: I think you just don't look at dog poo as much as you did
when you were closer to it. [I've been going out of my way to look for
them today and have seen none. Still, I suppose we should at least rule
out this explanation. Is there anyone out there who owns or has charge
of a child or children? Please set them the task of looking for white
dog-poo. You may if you wish offer them some small financial
incentive for each specimen they bring to you. MK]
Visitor's Name: Galadriel in a kinky mood
From: Tolkien land
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like
horses
Comments: I just saw some white dog poo in my back yard. Do you
want me to send it to you?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: No, no! Don't attempt to move it. It must remain in situ.
Fence the whole area off if possible. It may be the last specimen left in
the world. Photograph it, certainly. Locate the dog which produced it
and quiz it closely about its movements over the past few days.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I find elf-chick's baking in the sun explanation prosaic and
banal. I prefer to think there was some breed of dog fashionable in the
70s whose sphincter was so abnormally tight it condensed its faeces to
a hard white consistency, much as coal will form a diamond if
squeezed hard enough. Even if the heat theory is accepted, the
question remains as to why the phenomenon is now virtually unknown.
This could be important. If the sun can no longer generate enough heat
to bake shite, the implications are enormous. And yet the world is
supposed to be getting warmer, not cooler. Perhaps some shift has
occurred in the wavelengths of solar radiation? Perhaps it's not heat,
but a certain radiation frequency, that turns dog poo to chalk. Has
anyone ever microwaved dog-poo? I think one of you who owns a dog
should make the experiment.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Needa Jr, while you are writing to the Daily Mail question
page, write to Keith Waterhouse too. He likes nostalgic things like
white dog poo and might get a column out of it. 'When I was a boy in
Leeds my friends and I spent many a happy hour scouring the
pavements and gutters in search of white dog-turds. We called them
"spiggies" and they were much prized. On the open market a good
spiggy could be traded for half a dozen gobstoppers or a Donald
Bradman cigarette card. We played a game with them called
"Spiggy-aye-o" in which we would flick them against a wall. There is
an art to flicking a spiggy, of which I am a master. (Another such was
the late Jeffrey Bernard. We once had a spiggy-race through the saloon
bar of the Coach and Horses, which ended in a steward's enquiry after
Jeff's spiggy broke in two and came in first and third.) The ideal spiggy
was about two inches long, slightly flaky but not too brittle. Some
authorities maintained that the three-inchers were preferable, but for
my money what you gained in control you lost in range. Long before
the days of Pokemon muggings, it was not uncommon for schoolboys
to be held up at catapult-point and robbed of a champion spiggy. There
were turf-wars over the best spiggy-hunting grounds. The corner by the
gasworks was a particularly fertile area due to the activities of a
bulldog of ferocious countenance belonging to the butcher. Every day
after school we would race down there and fill our caps with the day's
haul. Innocent, carefree times. You never seem to see them any more. I
suppose some council busybody operating under a mandate from Tone
goes round in a Spiggy Removal Van and takes them to a depot.'
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Actually microwaving dog poo wouldn't prove anything,
as they work by heat anyway I think. See if it turns white under a UV
lamp or an infra-red thingy.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Bastards. You started me off literally talking shit and now
you've all buggered off and left me looking silly.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Another 70s fad which seems to have gone the way of
white dog poo is potholing. When I was a kid scarcely a day went by
without you'd read about some silly bastard trapped in a tiny crevice
two miles under Derbyshire, but you never seem to hear about them
any more. Are they all still down there? Someone should check. Or did
they all move on to the next big craze? Did all the potholers take up
stalking and road-rage? Or is it just not considered newsworthy any
more? Do cub reporters come rushing into their editors and say, "Hold
the front page, there are 50 pot-holers wedged into a five-foot crack
ten miles underground," and the editors go, "Fuck 'em." It used to be all
the go, playing sardines in a subterranean fissure. I think it was worth
more points if you managed to get stuck somewhere the water level
was rising rapidly, I think you were the winner then. Oh aye, in my day
there was none of this drugs or internet porn, it was all The Potholing
Menace. 'Ten Danger Signs. If your child crawls into the cupboard
under the stairs...it may be a potholer.'
Visitor's Name: MYOB
From: DOWNDERRYDOWN
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: A possible sensible explanation: have you not noticed
what dogs actually eat? Most of them are force fed a hardish substance
coated in jelly, canned. It goes into the can looking like shit because
that's what it is. It tastes feels looks smells like it. THAT'S why the
muts are doing brownjobs anymore.No decent bones. Just dishes of
shit. Why don't you stop talking about this crap and get on to
something useful about the good old days like headlice and rickets?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Interesting. Maybe if you told a dogfood manufacturer
they could bring out a better dogfood with a revolutionary marketing
strategy. 'Is your dog's poo brown, squidgy and lustreless? If your dog
is healthy its faeces should turn shiny white when baked. Watch this
simple test. We took two poos, one from a dog fed on normal dogfood,
and one from a dog fed on new Pedigree Nosh with added bones, and
put them in an oven for 20 minutes. The one on the left is still brown
and malleable. The one on the right is gleaming white. Pedigree Nosh,
for gleaming white shite.'
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: How do you know what shit tastes like? Did your mum tell
you about the Pavement Chocolate Fairy too?
Visitor's Name: elf chick in clogs
From: Mt St Helens
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: My, you have all been prolific while I was away, and still
on the same fascinating subject too. The dog in question was my own
dog, and he eats the dry shit, which is nowhere near as bad as the
canned shit, though this is only judging by smell. [Red Dwarf gag,
when Lister tastes dogfood: "Now I know why dogs lick their
testicles."] I happened to notice something very interesting over the
weekend. Although there are many many dogs in Portland, infact it
could qualify for the suffix, cit of canines, I did not see a single dog
shit, not even in Washington Park. This may be because all Oregon
dogs poo white stuff and it is so valued there that it never stays on the
ground for long. This would completely discount the baking in the sun
theory. Maybe all those health nut Oregonians [Oreganos?] feed their
mutts on the very best organic bone meal doggy dishes known to man.
That would work for the only healthy dogs poo white idea. By the way,
I think all the potholers got into spilunking. [I remember Spilunk! That
was that 70s game with cocktail sticks and marbles, wasn't it?
'Mousetrap' was ace too. Ooh! Ooh! And do you remember
'Operation'? 'I'll remove your funny-bone for £500.' That was the
business.] Later.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I agree with MYOB that modern pet-food takes pets too
far from their animal nature. My cat just killed a mouse and she's
looked sad and guilty all day. Usually she just plays with them, but this
time she bit too hard and it passed away. Ever since she's been lying on
the spot where it happened, pining. I may have to take her to a grief
counsellor.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Aw! Liz and Hugh have split up. What a shame. Usually
when a beautiful woman I've never met splits up with her boyfriend I
think, 'Now I can have her,' but they were such a great couple. Also
Barbara Cartland has gone to the fluffy pink boudoir in the sky, and
the Blair spawn has slithered forth and assumed human form. All in all
this must be one of the blackest weeks in human history.
Visitor's Name: Needa Jr
From: Santa Monica Boulevard
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Liz & Hugh - hmmmm. Maybe he took the safety pins out
of her Versace dress and used them to secure his plus fours. [!] Or
maybe he was complaining about her 'technique' hence the dummy she
was using last week as practice. [!!] Who knows - or cares. But have
you noticed how many celebrity pregnancies there are at the moment.
A girl I work with said "The Spice Girls started that" to which I replied
"The Spice Girls were the first people to procreate?". This is obviously
not true - otherwise God needs to rewrite Genesis. However, does she
have a point? [Probably, but if she arranges her hair carefully no-one
need ever notice.]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I think Demis Roussos was the first to actually perform
while pregnant.
Visitor's Name: Demis Roussos
From: Attica
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: That wasn't a very nice thing to say.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I apologize in fourteen different positions. I meant to say
Demi Moore. Please don't sit on me.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Sorry to hear you're in Attica. Don't worry. The prison
hasn't been built that can hold you. Literally.
Visitor's Name: St. Molly Nasturchium
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: What about Devine? Remember him? He was definately
pregnant. And I know Father Christmas is, under all those clothes. Oh,
blasphemy!
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Did I ever mention I have a fetish for Father Christmas
costumes? Worn by women, that is. Makes me wonder if I was
interfered with by a department store Santa at a formative age. It's
definitely next on my list after the chain-mail if I ever find an obliging
woman. "Have you been a good boy, Michael? What do you want for
Christmas?"
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I'm actually a big fan of D. Roussos. Him and Vangelis
were in this early 70s prog-rock group called Aphrodite's Child that did
this brilliant concept album based on the Book of Revelations. And
'Forever and Ever' was really romantic, not just noncey and revolting
like the current crop of simpering catamites with their jeans halfway
down their arse.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: The Spice Girls phenomenon is baffling but quite amusing.
They seem to be getting the credit for several decades of Women's Lib.
Needa Jr's colleague sounds like one of those old-time communists who
try to tell you that Stalin invented the post-it note. I remember seeing
them on children's TV before they were famous, one day when I was
waiting for Ocean Odyssey, the tale of a lissome Aussie mermaid, to
come on. The presenter got them to make acronyms out of the word
'Spice' that explained what the band was about. They came up with
stuff like 'Spunk', 'Perspicacity', 'Inspiration', 'Commitment','Energy'
and so on. I squirmed with embarrassment and hoped they didn't
give up their day jobs.
'Spice up your Life' is a corking good song, though.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Does anyone remember a couple of appealing young slags
named 'Shampoo'? Before the Spice Girls were born or thought of they
had a song called 'Girl Power'. It went, 'Girl power, girl power, coming
home drunk in the midnight hour.' Now there was a girl band.
Visitor's Name: Mollarama
From: Islington
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: I remember Shampoo, but I don't remember anything
about them. I also remember Haircut 100. They were the ones who
kept doing the same song over and again but with different lyrics.
There was another equally anoying Top of the Pops menage, called
Kajagoogoo. Remember them? And the bass player with the bleached
blonde plaits that he washed with carpet cleaner to make them floppy?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: No more ridiculous than the pop minstrels of today. The
way Liam Gallagher sings, with his hands behind his back and craning
his neck up and gobbling the microphone, he looks like he's playing
bob-apple. Did you ever play bob-apple? Every Halloween when I was
a kid my parents would play this game with us for their entertainment.
They'd tie an apple to a piece of string hanging from the ceiling so it
was just above your mouth, and you had to stretch up and eat it with
your hands tied behind your back. It was sadistic. Then there was
duck-apple. That was an apple floating in a bowl of water. You had to
eat that, also with your hands tied behind your back. The great fun of
that game was that while we were concentrating on the apple my Dad
would come up behind us and shove our heads under the water. Then
there was speed-apple. That was an apple that was fired at your mouth
out of one of those machines that shoots tennis balls. You had to time
your bite carefully or it broke your jaw. Then there was sack-apple,
where you were tied up in a sack with a savage weasel with an apple
stapled to its tail. I was the best at that. The trick is to let the weasel
batten onto your throat and then get the apple. Happy days.
Visitor's Name: Molladora
From: Constantinople
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like
horses
Comments: Wow. You certainly were more inventive with the apples
at Holloween than us Londoners of limited imagination. We simply did
"apple bobbing," which for us consisted of several apples in a bathtub
full of cold water. [Oh, we did that.] We were then totally imersed.
You had to make sure you weren't wearing suade shoes, or a
non-waterproof watch. [No, no! You were supposed to wear lots of
suede, to distract the piranhas.] I always really hated that too. [I quite
liked the part with the electric eel.] Luckily, my parents didn't care for
holloween - it was my friends that did the bathing in apple water thing.
In that sense, my family was mercifully boring.
Visitor's Name: Shayla
From: North America; but not Canada, not Mexico, not anywhere
between Mexico and the isthmus...
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A studious ice-queen, seething with repressed passion
Comments: This was quite amusing: only one grammatical error, one
spelling error, and one punctuation error, not counting the guestbook.
Perhaps someone should marry you and correct you. [Yes please!
Come and do something with my dangling participles. MK] (Great
page! Thanks!)
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who
treats men like horses
He is A worm
Comments: Ohhh...you're so strict. It's good that you're strict. I
deserve to be chastised. I will try to no more make mistakes in
grammar, snelling, or, punctuation. Oh no! I did it again! I must be
corrected again.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: For my last birthday I sent myself a Madame Whiplash
kissogram. When she arrived it was just a woman wearing a neckbrace.
(Old joke.)
(Well not that old but not mine.)