Occasionally Asked Question:

Whatever happened to Needa?

I don't bloody know! She just disappointed without trace, the ingrate. I only know nothing untoward happened because I later found a final enigmatic message she somehow left on the Guestbook long after I closed it down. I think she got embarrassed exchanging nonsense here when she realised other people would read it, but a parallel e-mail correspondence also broke off mysteriously not long after. (Which is one of the reasons I tend to be terse and businesslike replying to e-mail now). I vaguely remember one of her last mails mentioning some sort of artists' colony or hippy commune she was considering joining, so maybe she went to live there. Or she also said something about running off with this bloke she referred to as The Viking, so perhaps she's off raiding coastal villages and pillaging monasteries.

Knowing my luck she was probably a man anyway. If she ever reads this: you have fans. God knows why, you model of infidelity.

If Jim ever re-reads this: people have enquired about you, too, but they were all psychiatrists or organ-harvesters.

Guestbook Entries 1-100

Visitor's Name: Billy-Bob
From: Arkansas
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: This sure is the most Godly site on the web! Your interpretation of Mark's gospel kicks ass! Praise Jesus!

Visitor's Name: Billy-Bob
From: Arkansas
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Sorry, wrong guestbook.

Visitor's Name: Susan Adolf-Hitler
From: Rochdale
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Re, 'Win My Hand In Marriage', I would like to marry you because I want to lose my maiden name quickly. I will treat you good and bake you cakes.

Visitor's Name: Mollyurethane
From: HMS Helpless in the Face of Your Beautyy
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Hmmm. The mind goes strangely blank at this point. Yetta.

Visitor's Name: billymoosehead
From: vancouver
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Great site. I laughed a lot. I don't want to marry you. You need help.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Thankyou, Billy and Molly, you are kind and polite. Someone else please sign my guestbook soon. Otherwise it's just a great big waste of arse, isn't it?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: God stiffen you all, then, you ingrates.

Visitor's Name: needa bloak
From: idontthinkiwantyoutoknow
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A studious ice-queen, seething with repressed passion
Comments: Thanks for the asthma. Empathise with your hatred of Internet. What think you of Phil the GreeK?

Visitor's Name: needa bloak
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like horses
Comments: and wot abaht St Cliff - he needs your peculiar brand of debunking, also Prick Jagger, Cher's surgery, Dolly's wigs,how mean fathers are to daughters, fishing being the most popular pastime even if not with you, is there more culture in a small yoghurt than in the whole of Wales?, who teaches UK weatherpeople how to talk?. Also, could you persuade people to vote W HAgue in- he's almost funnier than you and I hate to lose him - my god how COULD fionn........, Mandelson, Mandelson in Ireland!!! Mandelson making decisions in Ireland !!!!!!!!!! Q What's the difference between middleaged men and clowns? A Clowns KNOW they are wearing funny clothes. Waes Hael Michael Needa.

Visitor's Name: needa
From: berkshire
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: I find it extremely sinister that all your Accusers are cack handed Yours widdershinly

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: Here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: My God! A footprint! I shall call you my Girl Monday. And here I am with a beard down to my ankles and trying to build an artificial woman out of coconuts. It would be now, just when my access to the internet has been cut almost to zero. I can only reply briefly. I find Phil comforting. Nice to know that in six months time when Blairk has got the Queen wearing baseball caps and puffa jackets and performing dance routines with the girl band Cleopatra, Phil will still be lurching around out of control like the xenophobic uncle from a Nancy Mitford novel. He should go on the road with Bernard Manning. Cliff should drop Jesus and start working with Melvyn Hayes again. Cher's surgery? I know, a shame, but her electronic voicebox sounds quite good, don't you think? Dolly's wigs? Yeah, I heard the wonder-sheep was ageing prematurely. Your father should not be mean to you, and if you come and live with me I will buy you a pony even if we have to keep it in my bedroom. I can't find it in me to hate Mandy. He acts as a lightning rod for loathing which should be shared among all his colleagues equally. Sending him to Ireland was a genius move. Nothing will unite Orange and Catholic bigots quicker than a shrieking faggot in their midst. Yes, my accusers are followers of the left-hand path. Thank you. M.

Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: where are you? Are you all miseried out? come back I need you my life is full of himboes

Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: I could come and live with you AND bring my little pony but I fear although I am immature I am too old but I think though I could not keep up with you you would keep up with me even though I am no longer a girl but am still a wild tempestuous didi.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: An immature mature woman! Excellent! We could enact my teacher-pupil fantasies. Or my Thora Hird fantasies, if that's the age range we're talking. There's plenty of room for you and your pony here in my bedroom, if you don't mind ferrets. And if you are in the prime of womanhood, why are you worried about your father being mean to you? Get the old fart declared non compos mentis and have yourself made his guardian.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Needa...a lovely name...instinct with moonlight, the scent of jasmine, music drifting out of a summer night. Can you bake?

Visitor's Name: still in needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: I dunno why I mentioned my poor old dad he's not around I must have been having a father-type-spasm have you noticed that i adhere to the gbs policy of no punctuation not quite at the thora hird stage but know a good joke about that yes i can bake what cakes do you like do you like griddle scones with cream NOW we're getting down to it are you siiikik or what? teacher/pupil fantasy how DID you know god i luv a siikik man but i am old and fat too but if you cook and eat cakes what can you expect up helliya mikee. needa

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: why do i have to have a spice girl option i quite like posh as she makes me feel good about myself sorry forgot to say was brought up with rabbits pigs dogs cats and YES ferrets. useful little bleeders. needa the DIDI

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Cacafuego! A Junoesque older woman who can bake! Forget the teacher-pupil bit, we'll cut straight to my Victorian cook and the randy hungry footman fantasy. If you turn out to be the surviving One Fat Lady, I am yours forever. Outside every fat woman there is a thin man trying to get in. I like any kind of nice cakes and would be anyone's for a griddle scone with cream. GBS also wanted to reform English spelling and he would approve of your rendering of siikik. I thought you were on an e.e.cummings kick. Know a joke about that: a magazine was launched devoted to the works of e.e.cummings, but it folded because it was undercapitalized, arf. Why does Posh make you feel good about yourself? And what the hell use are ferrets anyway? All mine do is lie on the end of my bed staring at me with their beady eyes. Can they be trained to do anything amusing, such as stand on their hind legs and dance? Later, M. PS, was ist das Didi? And what are these himboes you are plagued by? Himbo = him bimbo? It could of course be a contraction of 'Yohimbo', the title of a Kurosawa film I think. If you are being pestered by Samurai warriors, commiserations.

Visitor's Name: needa late for work
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: didi = didikai or however it's spelt not totally true but certainly some gypsy antecedents posh is a dear little klutz co makes me feel quite bright ferrets ACTUALLY were used to drag cables through the ducts in the construction of the d*** ...ah yeah you're right they are useless little stinkers. himbo IS m bimbo you makes oi laaaaaaf

Visitor's Name: needa evenlaterfor work
From: a...
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: as you seem to conduct your life from your bedroom i take it you're in clink or you're still sponging off your parents Please tick the correct option and see me after class.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I am an anchorite. But we are all in prison in one way or another. As for you, as your messages usually appear some time after midnight, if you are late for work you must be a cat burglar. I shall leave my window open tonight.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: My cat burglar fantasy is quite elaborate. I am awakened by a female in figure-hugging black creeping stealthily through my bedroom window. Lately she manifests herself as Catherine Zeta Jones from the film 'Entrapment'. A rumour of life in the protean dark, she ghosts noiselessly about the room stealing my treasures. Then, I feel her breath very close, and a stray lock of her hair flicks my cheek. There is a whisper of fragrance. Her fingers trace through my chest hair as she feels for the silver locket around my neck. I whack her on the ear with my hot water bottle and snap on my Garfield table lamp. Cornered, she smiles naughtily and undulates against me, and tries to persuade me not to call the police the only way she knows how. She succeeds; smiling indulgently, I grant her her liberty. But freedom is not enough for her. "And you'll let me keep all the things I took from you, won't you?" she purrs. Her feline tongue in my ear, I cannot refuse her. "And all the rest of your stuff, in fact?" Employing every weapon in a spectacular erotic armatorium, the naughty minx cajoles me into giving her my most cherished possessions - my books, my velvet smoking jacket, my musical toothbrush. Finally, only one thing remains. "No," I beg her, "not the ferrets. Please, leave me the ferrets." But she must have the ferrets too, and powerless before her artful caresses I consign them to her. They eye me with silent reproach from the lip of her sack as she departs, leaving me alone and impoverished but foolishly grinning.

Visitor's Name: needahome from work
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: asuve ignoredthe otheroption iassume itto betrue.thisshould arriveearly am then.cannotstay mustwatch brainnumbingbutaddictive 2xnightly likeyour literaryjoke.Is that what you are? iDO approveof books& walterhottlebottles. ido workhard butyou arewrong mybro saysim sittingon afortune butashelikesferrets&greyhounds iignore him iam pleasedyouapprove of clarissa pityaboutthe onewiththenails nowthat's cooking!plentyof cream&meat naturalhuman grub just like cakes. must go and sign my divorce papers. still inneeda

Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: How rude I am. I meant to say what a privilege it is to be in a fantasy even with an electric toothbrush and numerous ferrets. I am in fact not unlike C Z-J having dark brown eyes and glossy auburn hair. I am in fact a surprisingly intelligent red setter but IAM a girl one. By the way it is 7.30pm Friday and I've just finished my bone. licks N n

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: WAKE UP I'M BORED

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: MI5 could use certain of your messages to recruit codebreakers for GCHQ. Walterhottlebottle is very Joycean. Your brother says you are sitting on a fortune? An antique chair of some sort? Take it to the Roadshow and show it to Hugh Scully, even if it's not a chair you're talking about. 'My brother told me this was very valuable. But it's got a crack in it.' What is brain-numbing and addictive and twice nightly? What do you work so hard at? True about divorce papers? And true about resemblance to CZJ? Rowrr if so. As you are a farm girl (or brought up with rabbits pigs dogs cats ferrets etc. anyway), tonight I shall indulge in my Mariette from Darling Buds fantasy. Perfick.

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Questions! Questions! so many Questions! Walterhottlebottle was a hot water bottle in a comic; he would have successfully accessorized your bedroom. Countdown. I'm not ready to tell you what I do but I'm not a TV weatherforecaster, estate agent, member of a girl band, a policewoman or anything else that might be dubious. But how I earn my living does have certain connotations which I would prefer not to interfere with the persona I am inventing for myself. I have, however, left a thick trail of hot clues. Divorce -YES!!!!! C Z-J - dead ringer when I was a twiglet, but I'm still fairly interesting. Hate repeating myself when I know that I do it but I feel that there is a chronogulf between us. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who was very lonely. She'd heard the rumour from the kitchen staff that there was a handsome prince somewhere in the Northern Hemisphere just waiting for a kiss. She decided to go on her travels until she found him, even visiting the valley where the small birds do change their voices, derry down down, and other nasty no-go areas. Finally, on a frosty day in January, she heard the strangled cry of someone needing help. Either that or a ferret had run up its own arse. She quickly hurried to the spot and there she saw Bill Gates - the noise was him speaking normally. She thought,'He'll do. He has two legs and is rich.' So she ran up to him, undulating like catwoman, and planted a smacker between his nose and chin. He cried, 'Thank God!', and promptly metamorphosed into Kermit. So they got married. Then they got divorced, Then they lived happily ever after. Moral: Only shack up with a man who has thick, rich,soft,warm vowels. NB Totally perfectly punctuated according to Standard English Grammar rules.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Of course! Twice Nightly Whiteley! How dense of me. J'adore Countdown myself. Now there is a man who knows about ferrets. Also I could fill several screens with Carol Vorderman fantasies. Who is your favourite guest? Mine is Philip Franks, because he recites Ogden Nash poems and has been near CZJ. Or Geoffrey Durham, who really is a warlock and should be burned at the stake. True about Walterhottlebottle? Which comic did he appear in and what kind of adventures did he have? You've left clues as to what you do? My God, you're not really a teacher are you? That would be spookily siikik. Rest assured that if I ever shack up with a man he will certainly have a fine speaking voice, although I would probably marry Gates for security, as long as he could dance the Tango. PS I miss the lack of punctuation and grammar. Now you sound uptight like me and untrue to your untamed gypsy heritage.

Visitor's Name: needa
From:
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Don't know about favourite GUEST -Rick perhaps. Just think it's all v funny. Don't fancy Carol - quite liked her when her hair was straight and glossy but she looks like a Jo Brand failure now. Rich clever bitch sorry forgot was doing puncn walterhottlebottle, confusingly aka hottlewottlebottle in my house, had arms and legsand a face he became animate everynightunlike somepeople i COULD mention and flew around hisowners bedroom hisowner was agullible little boy. COmic - Jack and Jill. Not saying irrelevant. DID I say vowels?? sorry meant towels. Give my kind regards to your parents. MUST go and stopthe greyhounds fighting. NEEDAREST

Visitor's Name: OGDEN NASH
From: THE OTHER SIDE
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 'YOU ARE ONLY YOUNG ONCE BUT IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE IMMATURE' JUST LIKE NEEDA

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I also preferred Carol's hair when it was long and lovely, but the rest of your comment was uncalled for and if you ever rank on her again I will have to ask you to leave my page. My parents are globetrotting at the moment so I am an abandoned child. Please send me a cake as I am slowly starving to death. I believe there is a Polynesian tribe where the man has to demonstrate the luxuriousness of his bath towels to a maiden before he can invite her into his hut. Your description of Walterhottlebottle's activities sounds like testimony from the Salem witch trial. Thought greyhound fighting had been stamped out. By all means, stop it.

Visitor's Name: still in needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Weel Ye are a weebittie siikik as i hae jest purchased a boony gauguin o a wee bit lassie - the pic is called 'nevermore' - a quean alyin on a daybed on a - YES - a towel. ImPRESSive MK! canna gie ye ony bannocks - Whence?? a wee problem - so here's how YE mak CRANACHAN or CREAM CROWDIE - in honour o the bard - in his Immortal Memory - which me and a me jos will be celebrating on 25th jan as we allus do. 2 tblsp medium aetmael lightly toasted in a wee pan (Porridge ducks) 1 cup cream 2 tblsp runny hedder honey 1 tblsp whisky (no' whiskey mind!) 1 llb raspberries whisk the cream till stiff stir in whisky honey and COOLED oats layer in dish(es) wi raspberries springle wi a few toasted oats - SCOFF. also know as Nuaghty Porridge. NB Healthy recipe -- no sugar at a' Weel nooo bonnie laddie - isit me wi' me receipts or that there tatty-headed rich bitch? Making up mind time is here. food or sex sex or food - what will he choose? O!!! Both!!! Quelle surprise. NB Special bonus prize for telling us the difference twixt whisky an' whiskey. Wi' your monikker i should think that ye WULL ken it weel!

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: A Gauguin? Are you sure? Nice, aren't they? I often treat myself to a small Paul when I'm down in the dumps. Lawks! Congratubloodylations are in order. Thankyou for the receipt. It sounds scrumptious and I will see if I can get the au pair to cobble it together. I've never been able to tell whisky from whiskey but I've had a lot of fun trying. Actually I thought whisky was British and whiskey the debased American spelling, but since you refer to my name I assume whisky is Scotch and whiskey is Irish. I should point out, though, that my surname happens to be an old English one and is pronounced Spencer-Churchill. I also assume you are either mad or of Scots descent. Perhaps I should mention my thing about kilts (with women in them, I mean). Anyway, I must go and dree my weird, whatever that is. PS, I still say a man's vowels are more important than his towels. Your substituting the one for the other is what we students of the mind call a Freudian tit.

Visitor's Name: Fenella
From: Reading
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: You are great. You make me laugh at work and that takes some doing. What do you think about Neil Hamilton and Ali G "chillin' wid der bitches" and sharing a jay as reported in the news today?

Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: hey!! Fenella in Reading!! Find you own Michael Kelly or I'll come and find you and put your name forward for COuntdown and let twicenightly looose. needa from ascot

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Bloody hell! My 'From Russia With Love' gypsy catfight fantasy come to life!

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Thanks, Fenella. Afraid I haven't heard about that meeting of two great comic creations. But becoming a media tart seems to be rivalling senility and religious conversion as the royal road to rehabilitation for the well-heeled sleazeball. It can only be a matter of time before a travel programme despatches Hamilton and Jonathan Aitken to review the Paris Ritz. I was disappointed Aitken didn't invite the Changing Rooms team in to give his cell a makeover.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Speaking of which, Needa, your concept of prison life is slightly bizarre. ('As you seem to conduct your life from your bedroom I take it you're in clink.') "All right, you horrible lot, ten o' clock, everyone in your bedrooms. I'll be up in ten minutes to tuck you in and read you a story." "Bedroom inspection in five minutes." "Listen here, new lag, I'm the top dog of this bedroom and don't you forget it. I get all the wardrobe space and I get to pick out the duvet covers." "Father Flanagan's come to hear Mad Dog McGurk's last confession. Take him to the condemned bedroom." "He was arrested for drunk and disorderly and spent the night in a police bedroom." Etc., etc.

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Clink? Clink? [Take your spurs off. MK] THAT was messages ago. Wake up boy!!! and NO sorry - I need all availablewardrobe space as I have more gear than Ivana and MORE shoes than Imelda. If you knew my daughter you could ask her about that. I think You're getting rude now. I may have to go forever. Why are you restrictingyour literary genius to the Guestbook? [Because of the malevolence of a cabal of publishers. MK] I remember you said something about running out of time [Aren't we all running out of time?] - perhaps that coincided with your release from Strangeways? [Aren't we all in Strangeways?] Have you written any scripts? [I've just written the pilot for a new TV series, 'The Home And Garden Makeover Pet Rescue Detective Chef (Who Lives In An Airport).' It's this bloke who by day is a decorator and gardener, and at night is a chef, but in the evening he uses his feng shui skills to solve crimes involving pets. And he's a vet, but if he can't save the pet's life, he cooks them. And he lives in an airport.] ARE you in fact Paul Merton? [Aren't we all Paul Merton, in a sense?] luv NEEDA listen boyo - watch out for ganjamommas in Reading. That is ONE BAD PLACE. Especially keep away from Laura Ashley. Yes whisky scots Whiskey Irish. You no Irish? Loser.

Visitor's Name: Fenella
From: Reading
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like horses
Comments: Needa and I have never been known to indulge in catfights - not since the breaking waves of adolescence finally calmed anyway. But here's a clue - we have the same relationship (but different gender) to a distant Cat Stevens and recent Boyzone hit parade best seller [ 'I'm Gonna Get Me A Gun' ? ]

Visitor's Name: Fenella
From: Reading
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Hi Mum! [Ohhh...]

Visitor's Name: needa
From: ascot
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Hi fen! [This is very sweet and homey. But according to my atlas if you two want to say hi to each other you could yell out of the window. MK]

Visitor's Name: Jack Straw
From: The Home Office
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: It has been brought to my attention that you now have a family of nasty dirty thieving gypsies occupying your guestbook. There may be only two at the moment, but before long the whole tribe and their dogs will be camped out here, having catfights and playing violins at all hours of the night. This may be acceptable to you, but bear in mind my guestbook is just next door and I don't find it acceptable. This was a respectable database before you moved in.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Be off with you, Mr. Straw, you odious man. The Stars In Their Eyes auditions are next week, and your impersonation of Heinrich Himmler is not yet perfected. It is very cosy in here now. Fenella: does Needa really have more shoes than the doorstep of a millipedes' mosque? And is she really on first name terms with Imelda and Ivana?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I will not be here for a while after tomorrow. (Unless the screws catch me having a pillow fight in my bedroom and revoke my parole, of course.) Thanks for enlivening my guestbook. Out of vulgar curiosity, how did you happen to stumble on my long-neglected page? As far as I know only four people have actually read it (the rest of the hits on the counter were me checking it), or five if you count Needa channeling Ogden Nash. Anyway, thankyou, and thanks especially for the cake recipe. Oh, and have a good Burns night. Are you Scots, or Irish? And what is the secret of your mysterious occupation? My second guess is vet, or greyhound-doper.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Before I leave, I am thinking of running a sweepstake on the name of the Blair baby. My personal predictions are 'Diana' for a girl or 'Liam Noel Eddie Izzard I Am Hip Modern Modern Modern' if it's a boy. Or 'Euro' or something. A longshot is 'Eric', as in Eric Blair aka George Orwell, whom New Labour are amusingly keen to claim as an ancestor. If it's 'Eric Ban Foxhunting Kill The Toffs' it may serve to keep Labour's pathetically ineffectual leftwingers in line for another five years. It should really be called Damien, of course. Any other suggestions are welcome.

Visitor's Name: redwing
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Name? Can't think for laughing. As her da' is tony and he too is tony perhaps tony as that is the limit of their imagination. But i LURRRV damien. Thatd be TOO good. - tata - ps - vulgar curiosity - where are you going?

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I'm taking part in an exchange scheme with another agoraphobic. He lives in my bedroom for a fortnight and I move into his.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Senza una donna!!!

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I have returned. Please fill the guestbook with expressions of unbounded glee.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Must do something about the tumbleweeds in here.

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Welcome home! Are you suntanned? Or are you extremely latiolated? [The latter. The recluse I swapped with only has a 40-watt bulb in his bedroom. MK] I have been considering your options. I feel that you should submit meanderings to Angus Deayton, Paul Merton, Graham Norton - anyone infact whose name ends with -ton. [Meanderings? Meanderings? How dare you!]You MUST get out more, and so relieve your parents. [What is this modern obsession with rushing to leave the nest? If we were living in Victorian times a boy of my age would still be playing in the nursery, wearing a sailor suit and being spanked with a hairbrush by my governess. ]

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Welcome home! Are you suntanned? Or are you extremely latiolated? I have been considering your options. I feel that you should submit meanderings [Meanderings? MEANDERINGS!?! It's even more insulting the second time.] to Angus Deayton, Paul Merton, Graham Norton - anyone infact whose name ends with -ton. You MUST get out more, and so relieve your parents. [They're never here, anyway. They're always off holidaying or partying. We appear to have some sort of Dorian Gray arrangement where they stay eternally young and I sit in the attic growing old and curmudgeonly. They leave me here alone in our dark, echoing mansion with only the ferrets for company, and no-one to cook for me. I should report them to the NSPCC. ]

Visitor's Name: needa again again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: I appear to have lost control. Messages are entering twice. The other side of this useless coin is that I have lost a v important work file. [Sympathy. Computers are crap. Anything important should be kept on paper. I find trained ferrets make an excellent data retrieval system.] I need a 2 week break too. bye [Go on, leave me then. I forgive you. But posterity won't if I harm myself. MK]

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: Hell's heart
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: An extract from 'Brief Candle: The Short Unhappy Life of Michael Kelly'. '...And then, just as he trembled on the brink of greatness, treachery from an unexpected quarter destroyed him completely. His closest confidante, Needa, abandoned him, casually announcing that she needed a break - and this after she had just dismissed his carefully-crafted vignettes, his finely-honed apercus, as 'meanderings'. It amounted to a death sentence. We can only marvel at the callousness and ingratitude of this woman. Woman? No woman she! What low pursuit did she prefer to soothing the brow of this tormented genius? Donning a kilt and pretending to be Flora McDonald? Some foul piece of chicanery involving greyhounds? We may never know, for the wretched woman has never come forward, lest the millions of people who make the yearly pilgrimage to Kelly's grave make a detour to torch her rude dwelling. One thing is for sure: her name will be asterisked in the annals of infamy.'

Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: You ARE psikik!!!! Your penultimate penultimate word has hit the nail on the head, but I AM rather surprised at such a direct reference to body parts. And anyway rivers meander and pick up all sorts of interesting things before they finally delta into the wide blue yonder. ALl the best people mender. Do not be offended o young effendi, but Kahlil Gibran you are not.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: erewhon
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I'm psiikik and it's something anal? Two guesses: (1)You have to get the greyhounds de-wormed. (2)You were in fact wearing a kilt, and nothing underneath, and were dancing a spirited fling on Burns night, when you slipped off the table and landed painfully on a Claymore, which it will take two weeks to extract from you. Commiserations.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: How do you know I am not Kahlil Gibran? His spirit may have transmogrified into me or something. Now that I come to think about it, I probably am him.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kahlil Gibran
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 'Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.' I try to tell that to my dole officer every week.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Alms...alms...That's a strange word, isn't it? It sounds like it should be something related to almonds. In religious classes when I was a child, whenever they talked about giving alms to the poor, I used to picture something which was not quite an almond, but not entirely dissimilar. I couldn't see the poor being very impressed. 'Oh. Cheers. An alm. That's like an almond, isn't it? Great.'

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 'Bushel'. That's another strange biblical word. It sounds like it should mean a small bush. That bit, 'Don't hide your light under a bushel', I imagined someone putting a candle under a shrub. Very slyly, when no-one was looking, with an insane glint of cunning in his eye.

Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: You are so well red. I am imprest. words are wonderfully energising. You have obviously been deprived for a couple of weeks so go on - get it off your kist. Claymore? Claymore? I should be so lucky. With friends like you who needs enemas. When I was a kid I wondered what the hell Maundy money was. As I spent most of my life walking about head bent tracking silver coins that rich people had thrown to the peasants I though any kind of money would be good. I now have some - it is VERY SMALL and so MAUNDY means very small - like mingy mardy - sort of Uriah Heap connotations. As for religion I'm still working on immaculate conception. And tomorrow - what shall tomorrow bring to the over prudent-dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city? You what? KB is an androgynous plonker

Visitor's Name: MK
From: hereabouts
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Chortle at the enema gag. I hadn't really read Gibran, I searched out some quotes from him specifically to impress you. Not a fan of androgyny? I'm no Brian Blessed myself. In fact I wear blouses and skip around. Maundy Thursday used to confuse me when I was a kid, because I thought it was Monday Thursday. Effendi is an excellent word, speaking of words, and I think I like being called it.

Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Well!! NOW you're on the right track and at my great age I am no longer easily impressed although nothing is impossible. I have been rereading your Vulgarian holiday article and think it most excellent - anything forthcoming from the latest trip? AND have you visited the Land of the Rising *** where the inhabitants think that the universe revolves around the Statue of Liberty's head? I urge to to take my considered advice most seriously if nothing else. I have just inserted suppository asterisks incase you have other visitors - I forget that this is not a private line, although it would seem that the rest of the world has temporarily given you up. I am at present extremely disappointed about Mandy's decision - but he will end up with guano all over, whatever he does - is he a sacrifice to the memory of Brian Bhoru and Grace O'Malley/ Gra nu aille?? I hear that Tonywony has a website and can categorically state that I WILL NOT be wasting time nor money on it.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Northern Ireland bores, horrifies and amazes me in equal parts. The whole IRA refusal to disarm stumbling-block is completely bloody surreal. WHY DON'T THEY LIE? I realize a rigid morality prevails in their organization, but just one little white lie. Why don't they give up a token amount of their weapons, say a dozen armalites, half a pound of semtex and a spud-gun, and say, 'That's it, that's all we have, we are now disarmed, peace to all men and joy to the world.' Bury the rest in someone's back garden until such time as they feel the need to kill people again, and look forward to a future of Nobel peace prizes, book contracts, and lecture tours of the US. Or does someone have a complete list of their weapons? Do they publish financial accounts or something? 'To...semtex, nailbombs, stationery, sundry expenses.' It's bizarre. We should have given the whole province to China in exchange for Hong Kong.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Are you anti-American then? Shame on you. We British know we are superior to everyone else, so it behooves us to be polite to the lesser breeds. I have actually been to New York, and spent the whole time in fear of being mugged or murdered. I was jet-lagged the whole time and was the grumpiest person ever to ascend the Empire State. Still, I did see 'Chicago' with the original cast - excellent. Also I was blown away by the opera house and made a vow to myself to attend a performance there one day, dressed to the nines and with C.Z. Jones on my arm. But she's getting married now so I might as well just stay in my bedroom.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Am working on some new stuff now and may return to Vulgaria some time in the future. There is a problem, however, in that I am currently so miserable I no longer have a sense of humour. I believe Tony Blair could fall down a flight of stairs and then be eaten by a tiger right in front of me and I would barely crack a smile. I bet Tony's homepage won't be as good as mine. I bet it's got really crap stuff like 'Here are some pictures of my favourite band Oasis. They're really cool!!!' And 'Here is my favourite dictator, Robert Mugabe.' And I bet all his fascist mates sign his guestbook with stuff like, 'This site kicks ass! Laughed my ass off! Bill Clinton.' If I had more energy I'd make a fake Blair homepage and post it. If he does have a guestbook it might be fun to hang out there and make farty noises from time to time.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: But enough of this byplay. What are you wearing?

Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Gosh no!! Me not anti-US -have fambly there. Like it- v good tv weather forecasts. Never thought about the lying - funny that. Good idea. I am wearing felt zipup slippers decorated with a heart motif with white ankle socks with heart clocks. I have an emerald green polyester midcalf skirt with a heartshaped pocket and my bobbly sweater has got hearts clubs diamonds and spades all over it. I am wearing under this sweater an old England rugby shirt for extra warmth. I have just removed my indoors hat which is an ex navy balaclava which I have rendered slightly more attractive with a Bright pink heart brooch. Happy f- ing valentine's day to you too. Feel better now ?? Remember MK - N is Very Very Very Very Very Very Very old and feels much older. Oh. And we had braised heart for dinner XX

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Phwoarh! What a get-up! If they ever make another Women's Institute girly calendar you should be Miss February, wearing just the zip-up slippers, the rugby shirt and the balaclava - pulled down, for a yashmak effect. The slippers should be zipped down halfway. 'They have good weather forecasts in the US'? Chortle. What an excellent put-down. You really are anti-American, aren't you? Unless you're some sort of monomanic who judges countries solely by their meteorological skill. Don't go to Vulgaria, their weatherman is just a bloke who tells you whether his bunions are playing up. Are you rebuking me for not wishing you a Happy Valentine's? I wasn't here, and besides I don't believe in it, it's a commercial contrivance. Everyone knows it was invented by a consortium of creosote manufacturers as part of their campaign, 'Say it with Creosote'.

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: There I was at the center of the universe - last fall - in the bosoom of my fambly with an uninterrupted view of the Union Turnpike. How did I feel? As if I were on a desert island. There is no global conceptualization at all. The most exciting thing was almost meeting my guitarist's cousin for coffee on 5th Avenue - he is a priest in the Bronx - but he cried off. Yes I do know about the weather - you are very cute at picking things up - I DO have strong feelings about the poopoo they all talk. They are paid one goddam loadadosh for that poopoo.I also went up country into Connecticut and the sugar maples were just incandescent - that is the most beautiful treescape. I have well connected cousins in New England. But I did feel cut off from humanity in NY. My aunt and uncle are real sweeties - I would never say one word against them. The newspapers have no 'foreign' info - weel I couldna find it. The horseracing on telly is more boring than a fruit machine in an English pub. I went down to Washington Sq - mainly because one of 'my' songs is Diamonds and Rust and mentions it. There is a little compound where the natives walk their dogs and they all do their dogdoos and fight. I went into the Red Lion in Bleeker st for half o' cider because I felt homesick. I went into Sachs 5th av for - guess what? right - I didna purchase a thing. I went to the Met Museum to see the Greek pots - the labels were very strange. They reminded me of those pre-colonial childrens' books with pictures of elephants wearing hats and pads and playing cricket. A gay man said a VERY rude word to me. I think.I walked on Jones Beach Long Is and watched sanderlings running from the surf and had a delicious coffee. Like the beach. But next time I cross the pond I shall go to Az where I have more fambly then I can see the Grand Canyon and maybe jet down to Vegas. Wanna go? Tomorrow I am going to Stratford oA to see the Scottish play which is something I do at school a lot because I like it a lot I always tell the kids to NEVER write a lot or lots of. Lots of. Needa

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: No it wasn't invented by creosote consortium. It is just one more pre christian english pagan sex festival because THAT was the day all the birds mated. THAT was the day when g's & b's were paired of - a bit like the Munich Beer Festival. DOn't be such a cynic - I bet you don't believe in Father Christmas either -w ell let me tell you I know him intimately. You have fallen into the British Male Trap. I AM disappointed - I had hoped that you had a Celtic fringe. Get out there and start living boy! instead of writing poopoo on a keyboard to an old crone. lotsof Needa.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: What the hell is a Celtic fringe? A Braveheart haircut? No thankyou. And what is the British male trap? And exactly how intimately do you know Father Christmas? Between him and the England rugby international and whoever gave you the Navy balaclava, you like a man in uniform, don't you? Loved the Met, but please explain about the labels on the Greek pots. No I don't want to go to Vegas, they have very poor weather reports, you know. I played The Scot in the Scottish Play when we read it out at school and I really overacted. That bit at the end when he's fighting and he goes, "My name's...Macbeth!", I said it so evilly and dramatically that my teacher, who was playing the other character, said, "Big deal." Have a nice time. PS, Poopoo? POOPOO!?!

Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Oh please! Spare me! So many questions. I can't remember where the teapot is let alone why I wrote that stuff. I MEANT i'd HOPED you weren't in the - O who cares.......... Anyway on the Greek pots: you know how they were all drawn with the same curly hair, whether black on terracotta or vice versa. They must have had curly hair or else it was just an artistic device - this I do not know. Perhaps I should. However the label on this one particular pot depicted the usual curly head man unbridling a horse. He could have been a warrior and ostler a showjumper who knows? the label said 'A negro slave unbridling his masters's horse'. I mean, is that a good imagination or what? It's just some Greek bloke. Several other pots showed a young boy and an older man, again in a stylised stance. Now I DO know what that meant - it was considered acceptable behaviour much as it is in some countries now. OK. The label said 'A father brings a present to his young son'. NO NO NO NO NO. TOTAL FABRICATION Can you hear me shouting?? That's all I meant - I found it a bit disappointing. Enough of that. On Friday I went to The Swan Theatre in Stratford oA and saw the Scottish play. Very interesting. And very very noisy. Do you like going to the theatre? Quite by coincidence - immediately after talking about U.S. my cousin phoned to invite me to her Florida condo in April 2001. Nothing like planning ahead. Of course I said YES YES YES PLEASE THANKYOU. This coming weekend I think I am going on a residential singing/drinking sort of bash - I haven't had confirmation yet. Still nobody seems to be very organised so I spect it's OK. What's your kind of music? Do you get to any concerts/gigs? What are you reading at the moment? - I always assume everybody is reading SOMETHING. What are you wearing? How do YOU like having all these questions to answer? Well must get off now and get some kip- my brain feels weary. I am dead sorry about Ken. There's a shop on 5th Av called RedKen - it's etched large on all the windows - I took a photo of it. I thought Ken would be prime minister not Saint Tony even though I do not totally like his politics at least he is alive, unlike the bearded collie - well no that's no being kind to collies who are all very intelligent. SO. GOODNIGHT FROM ME.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: April 2001? Planning ahead indeed. It's lucky you didn't already have something pencilled in for then. Funny about the pots. I wonder what sort of present he was bringing him. 'Close your eyes. It's a big surprise.' Don't get to the theatre much, like it when I do. Have started watching ballet on TV and mean to go to one of them when I get round to leaving the house. Music, the bands who were big when I was young, and the Beatles and other 60s stuff. The last album I bought, though, was one by Claire Martin. Do you sing that kind of thing at all? I've just finished reading 'The Quincunx' by Charles Palliser. About a young boy in 19th Century London trying to survive poverty and mysterious enemies and regain his rightful inheritance, somewhat in the manner of Wilkie Collins or Dickens. Absolutely brilliant. I was so caught up I was yelling at the characters. "No! It's a trick! Don't trust him! Doh!" Finally, I am wearing a feather boa and a pair of marigolds. I am sorry questions fluster you and won't ask you any more. You would make a lousy quiz show contestant. 'Take a look at this for £64,000.''Oh, please, spare me.' But who is the bearded collie?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: You can't remember where the teapot is? Jesu. It's gone walkies with Walterhottlebottle.

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Frank Dobson of course. Claire Martin - not so far - will investigate. Why do we 'converse' via your Guest Book? Wow a glitterati literati! Goodie goodie. Decree nisi imminent. Ditto. Get OUT MOOORRREEE.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I get out plenty. I spend hours every day romping through meadows like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.

Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: I'm feeling sorry for your guest book so thought I'd input some doodoo. My guitarist and his brother are going to NY for St Pat's and a family wedding. He has more Auntie Sheilas than anyone else I know - I personally have only the one. Life is very strange for me at the moment. I am embarking on the scariest chapter. I hope it will be a benevolent time of life for me - who knows where the time goes, says the song. Back to books - I am working my way through Margaret Attwood - mainly because I don't understand her - She is a slippery writer plus sometimes a subtly feminist writer too. I have two massive tomes on Shakespeare which I look forward to tackling when I have enough energy stocks. That's enough for now. I have to propose something to someone on 29th Feb and I have to make sure it is sufficiently amtriguous. Good luck for that by the way. Don't do any funny handshakes or you may find yourself hitched. Toodleooooo Needa XX

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Good luck yourself!! If he asks you for a character reference I'll be happy to provide one. Had forgotten about the Feb 29th thing. A time of great danger for an eligible bachelor like myself. Must get my shitty stick ready.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: 'Amtriguous' is wonderful, by the way.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: PS, Hint: bring him a cake you've baked!

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Do i HAVE to have a fave spice girl? Full circle - back to cakes - you're not Jo Brand are you? Do you like seedy cake? I sent email to the address on this page - 3000?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Everyone, everywhere, except Harold Pinter, has a favourite Spice Girl. The question stays until it ceases to amuse me, and my record for continuing to snigger at one of my own jokes currently stands at 25 years and counting. Ich kenne nicht das seedy-cake. Description and receipt, please.

Visitor's Name: needa
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Well mr stubborn-boots seedy cake is a rich buttery Madeira cake with lots of lovely crunchy tast caraway seeds.Excellent. I have been reading the Saga of Gunnlaugur Worm-tongue who said that 'eigi leyna augu ef ann kona manni.' It's quite true too.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I've said that many times.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: And trousers cannot hide a man's love for woman.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: And furthermore, 'Hve blįsnautt er hjarta sem einskis saknar.'

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Can you really read Icelandic? I've just started reading Spenser's Fairie Queen if that's any comeback. The cake sounded positively indecent by the way. I might remake this place as a Page of Cakes.

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: Oh Oh Oh - I do like a clever man. YOU take the proverbial cake. Yes Michael!!! I give up as I don't know how to produce Accents, Thorns, or Ummlauts. I too have read ENOUGH of Spenser FQ - fascinating. Probable contains some of the most graphically nauseating images in literature. An interesting time to have lived. WHy are you reading it? Choice? Study course? I am discovering more about Macbeth all the time -I have now setmy archaelogist chums and coin expert (what ARE they called?) searching out minor textual details that interest me. The next book I will read is Prof Harold Bloom's 'Shakespeare - the invention of the human' but for now I will just have a bubble bath. Could you be my IT adviser? I am collecting experts at the moment. Cakily yours

Visitor's Name: needa again again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Read your mail re freezer.

Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Have you discovered the identity of the Third Murderer yet? You have plenty of It, you avatar of Clara Bow you, and don't need my advice. Freezer?

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: God - all these freezer messages.Don't ask me what's going down. Some chick stateside got a limey geezer over under a false pretext - like you do. SHe'd sent him a pic of her taken THIRTY years previously so the sucker went and then he complained - to -??? ANYway, they found her 3rd hubbie stiffed in the freezer - he' been there a year apparently. I just wanted to reassure you. 3rd Murderer? Weel I think Willie Wagstaffe had a Mr Forgetful day - or else he'd put the play out to tender - like 'Here;s Holinshed - get onwith it'. It wasn't M that's for sure. I'm more interested in their baby. I think the lack of baby caused the whole damn show. I'm getting confused between needa and redwing. Bye ow Have a nice day. Nedweeding

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Chortle. The 'fat bald FBI man' thing on the guestbook form was a reference to this bloke in America who carried on a naughty e-correspondence with what he thought was a beautiful 15-year-old girl, only when he flew to meet her she turned out to be a 300-lb FBI man, who arrested him. One wonders how 'she' picked him out at the airport: images of this vast hairy gorilla standing at the arrivals gate in a schoolgirl uniform and wig, holding up a cardboard sign saying 'Mr. Hotpants'. The funny thing is, after he'd arrested him, he said "I still love you," and the FBI man said, "I love you too, I'll wait for you." Not really. The Third Murderer was probably the producer's idiot son or one of Shakey's drinking pals. Interesting about Lady M. All that stuff about her woman's milk? Personally I reckon she had some sort of oedipal thing, seeing the king as her father.

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Reading Faerie Queene for fun. Yeah, the monsters are excellently described. And it would have been great to have lived in dragon-killing times and gone round rescuing damsels. Not that I'd much fancy going near one of the buggers, but I suppose you could start on newts and work your way up. Quite enjoying it, but could do with a few more monsters and naughty witches and a bit less of the Pilgrim's Progress stuff. All those allegorical families. 'The faire maiden Piety, and her sister Chastity, and their sister Punctuality, and their most pleasing cousin Personal Hygiene.' Or the gangs of baddies and demons with names like 'Sloth', 'Torpor', 'Bedwetting', 'Nocturnal Emission', 'Queue-Jumping', 'Biscuit-Hoarding', 'Tetchiness', 'Sarcasm', 'Flab', etc., etc. Still, nice to have a code to live by. What on earth did that woman do when she needed to defrost?

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Can't be your IT specialist as I hate computers and my expertise therein consists of yelling, "Give me my files back, you black-hearted swine." Coin experts hight 'numismatists'. Just read an article about coins, including these brilliant ancient ones where you could break bits off for small change. Did you know that tea is used for currency in Tibet or Mongolia or somewhere? Must be a pain when they go to cafes. 'Here is your cup of tea, sir. That will cost exactly one cup of tea. I'll just pour it in the till, shall I?' 'Yes, and keep the drips.' Speaking of tea, I think I'm dying, some sort of brain lesion. I keep misreading things like newspaper headlines or TV captions in bizarre ways. The other night I was in the kitchen and there was this box of herbal tea or decaff tea or something that had the slogan, 'Relax and spoil yourself' written on it, but I read it as 'Relax and soil yourself'. I actually did a double-take. But come to think of it that would be an excellent slogan for a brand of soothing tea, wouldn't it, the concept that you would be so relaxed you would just be sprawled on the couch going to the toilet in your pants and not giving a damn. I think I'll write and tell them. They may give me a free box or two and I can go to Mongolia and live like the Sun King. Speaking of logorrhea, night.

Visitor's Name: needa again
From: wokingham
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: GUFFAW GUFFAW. Blimey - I need some of that tea. Coins.When I first started gigging around with my guitarist I thought he was very careful with his money as he always peered close and long at his change. Actually he is a numisthingy and was in fact READING the legend on the dosh. He has recently been collecting fake onepound coins and has a few but wouldn't give them to me. I LOVE the tea thing.Wow. My mum would be a teallionaire. It would certainly make tins of tea most acceptable as Christmas prezzies, which they aren't at the moment. I think you've found your metier again. Well done son.

Visitor's Name: Willie Wobble-Dagger
From: Orion's left nostrill
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like horses
Comments: Now I know why you haven't been writing to me. [Hi Moll! (Or is it Wulffe?) How the heck are you?] Read any Thomas Bernhard? [Nope. Just done a search on him, seems interesting] I'm working on a theory that Anne Hathaway wrote the works of Spencer, whilst passing herself off as a small camel, to gain access to the court. [Well that's obvious. Everyone knows that what Shakey actually wrote in that sonnet was 'Shall I compare you to a dromedary?' He also alluded to it in Othello when he referred to The Beast With Two Backs.] Does anybody else sign your guest book? [No, just me and Needa. Oh, and Ogden Nash.] And what's happened to your novel, please? [Not much. Yesterday the cat drooled on it.] I'm still waiting.

Visitor's Name: needa
From: THE OTHER SIDE
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: To willie etcetc from Needa. WHO is 'Spencer?'

Visitor's Name: Willie Wobble-Dagger
From: somewhere really scary
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: You know, Spencer, as in Marx and ... They hang out with our buddy here, St. Michael.

Visitor's Name: redwulffe
From: taquitz mountain
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: yetta from yetta holler. [Yo wulffeman!] your site is amusing, yet it may be guilty of annoying children. as for our tribe, the ice yettas, we have almost survived another winter, with a minimum of hair loss, tooth-decay, or penile dysfunction. [Yeah, I hate when my pen doesn't work. MK] by the way old man, i'm very sick of working two jobs here in yetta-yankeeland just to generate more cash-flow for opec. any pointers on how we might immigrate to ole blighty? [Sorry. Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery, but no Americans are allowed back in until you retrieve all that tea from Boston harbour. Colonial high spirits are one thing, but that was just sheer hooliganism. Besides, until you do you'll never be rid of all those Mongolian treasure-hunters.] i for one would prefer to get the dole and while away my days in a transcendent state before my pc, amusing myself, amazing my friends, and making desperate attempts to seduce female enthromorphs via the internet. anyway ole scout, scour yer bowie knife, [Hmm. Will a Ziggy Stardust manicure set do?] oil up yer .416 rigby, and we'll go sasquatch huntin in the spring! [It's a date. Nice to know there are still some real Americans left who aren't afraid to shoot bloody great monsters. Most of your countrymen would rather give the buggers counselling and put them on a talk show. "So, Mr. Sasquatch, is it true what they say about Bigfeet?"] as per one fool to another. yetta the mench, or he that is yclept redwulffe. [Another Spenserian, or ycleptomaniac. Yetta yourself, Mr. Wulffe, you old meshugeneh you.]

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: A .416 Rigby! Heavens, that takes me back. Haven't handled one of those since that time I shot an elephant. Remember it like yesterday. We'd already bagged a couple of tigers and were about to break for tiffin when there he was, not ten feet away from me, the biggest brute I'd ever seen. He looked docile enough at the moment, but an elephant is never more dangerous than when he's docile. Now the way to down him is to aim to cut an imaginary bar running from ear to ear, but he had his back to me so I thought I'd gain his attention by shooting him in the arse. I let fly with the Riggers and there was an unholy bellowing and trumpeting. Now I had to be quick and make the next shot count, because an elephant's even more dangerous with a bullet up the jacksey. As the enraged tusker started to turn and I lined up the shot, my servant Billy Mukkerjee grabbed fearfully at my arm and cried, "Hurry, Colonel Kelly, Sahib! We are in great danger!" "Steady on there, Billy," I murmured imperturbably. "John Elephant's a crafty beast, but an Englishman's worth ten of him." "No, Sahib," said Billy, "the zookeeper is coming, him very very angry." "Ah," I said, "let us adjourn to the reptile house."

Visitor's Name: Sir Willie de Vere
From: anti-Yank thought police
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: OK, who let in the guy with the Texas toupee?Whoa!!! Don't aim that thing at me!

Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Elizaveta Kovalskaia
She is Elizaveta Kovalskaia
Comments: Toupee or not toupee. That is the Stetson.

101-200
Molly's Disgusting Dog-The Phantom Shrubber-White Dog Poo
201-300
Marple:the Movie-Mormons-Passion Proteins
301-end
Mrs. Murphy-W.A.C.K.E.R.-invasion of the TLC fans-STIG

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