Insanity Clause

  Religious leaders and newspaper moralists are in a tizzy over the possible repeal of the Section 28 law forbidding the promotion of homosexuality. How like them.
  I have no personal interest in this. My only personal experience of homoeroticism was the time me and my friend Donald were sitting on the couch together watching Kiss of the Spider Woman when, suddenly and without any warning, he put his hand under my buttock. I instantly moved to quell his ardour, turning and fixing him with my iciest Lady Bracknell look until he mumbled an apology and withdrew the offending paw. As it turned out, though, he had merely been foraging for a lost Mint Imperial.
  I can't get worked up about Clause 28 one way or another. To state the bleeding obvious, it is not possible to promote homosexuality. You are either straight or gay or bi, and you know in every cell of your body which.
  I have occasionally thought it would be cool to be bisexual. Many of my personal heroes as an adolescent were androgynous. And being bisexual would double the number of people I could make unsuccessful erotic advances too. More practically, I could watch dirty films without having to hold a thumb in front of my eye to block out the man's horrible hairy arse. In that situation, I need all the thumbs I have, if you know what I'm saying. (How do bi's go on watching mucky films? Do they think about being the man making love to the woman, or the woman making love to the man, or do they imagine being squashed in between them? Or do they sort of oscillate? "Ooh, look at her nipples...No, look at his arse...Ooh, imagine screwing him... No, imagine screwing her...Come on, focus, damn it, focus! Choose a side!" Or do they sort of sit back and impartially admire both parties' contribution in terms of an aesthetically pleasing whole, like some form of dance?) And it would be good to be slightly camp as a protest against the enervating laddishness of our times.
  But it isn't possible for me to be bisexual any more than it would be possible to make myself ambidextrous. (Not that I would ever want to be one of those left-handed freaks.) You can't take it up the shitter to be cool.
  How the hell would you possibly promote homosexuality? Could you have an ad campaign? Could Peter Tatchell get Saatchi's in to produce a few half-million-pound TV commercials? Would that do the trick?
  Let's see. You could do a version of that Doctor Pepper campaign: 'You can't love it till you've tried it!' Or you could have lad icon Neil Morrissey doing a reprise of his Homebase adverts: he would take it up the shitter in a variety of amusing situations and say, "Unbeatable!" with his eyes popping out and a big smile on his face.
  Or you could do a spin on that AA or RAC advert of a couple of years ago. A downtrodden man is trapped in a broken-down car in a rainy layby with his nagging wife, nagging mother-in-law and screaming brats. Rings the AA. A leather-clad demigod on a motorbike arrives. Downtrodden man gets on the back and they ride off into the sunset together, to live in a tasteful apartment with a big beer-cooler and a widescreen TV hooked up to the sports channel and no toys, nappies, or shrill females. Throw in a catchy slogan - "Don't get bitter, take it up the shitter!" - and you're away.
  The lesbian version would be easy. "All men are bastards. Who needs them?" Lesbianism is promoted in every pub in the land every night of the year.
  Would ads like that do it? Throw in a few openly gay sportsmen and supermodels, would that do the trick? Would that be enough to turn us into a nation of queers?
  Maybe so. And then the Heterosexual Marketing Board would have to hit back with ads promoting heterosexuality:
  'Girls! Are you tense? Irritable? Unsatisfied? When was the last time you had a real dick? British Pork. Mmmm. Go on - you know you want it.'
  'Guys! Want to have a good time? Why not have sex with a woman? We've got tits! And we'll bake cakes for you.'
  Oh - I forgot that pernicious idea of tax recognition of gay couples. That definitely promotes homosexuality. Right now there are millions of men up and down the country going, "Well, I was going to marry a woman, but, what the hell, if the money's the same, I might as well take it up the shitter."

  If heterosexuality was against the law we'd still do it, because we're made that way. If we were taught hetero sex would condemn us to hell we'd do it. If homosexuality was the most fashionable, constantly-promoted thing on earth, if every cool person in the world was queer and encouraged their fans to be likewise, only those who were queer already would take any notice, because no-one takes it up the shitter to be trendy. (I italicize this phrase as it's a useful one in case you ever get into an argument with Roger Scruton, your local priest or your grandmother.)
  The only thing it's possible to promote with regard to homosexuality is tolerance. The only thing you can teach is that young gays should feel OK about themselves and no-one else should pick on them.
  What's wrong with homosexuality anyway? I can't follow the new moralists' arguments. A key theme seems to be that homosexuality is 'sterile' and 'hedonistic' - in other words, it doesn't produce children. What of romance? What of love? I can think of no notion more guaranteed to breed despair, nihilism and general social breakdown than the idea that all love is about, that all any of us are about, is making babies. In this the priests and the new moral philosophers are making common cause with those dour, reductionist scientists who regularly make pronouncements such as that they've isolated the chemical that causes love and it's also found in salt and vinegar crisps. (Shut the fuck up, scientists. Get back to making medicine and shut the fuck up about the human soul.)
  By that logic, the love of couples who couldn't have children, or decided not to have children, or had a purely platonic affair, wouldn't be valid either. In this the Catholic Church at least are consistent. A few years ago they forbade a paraplegic war hero to marry his sweetheart because he wouldn't be able to stick his dick up her. God doesn't just hate queers, he hates cripples too.
  On the other hand, the Catholic hierarchy are full of shit. The Pope likes sodomites when they're powerful enough. Witness the way he flew to hold Clinton's hand after he got in trouble for sodomizing a teenage YTS girl.
  Really, all the rampant evil and injustice in the world and religious leaders find the time to attack queers. Thanks a lot. You're a great help. You really have a line to the big man. Anyone who finds homosexuality wicked should go and live with God and leave the rest of us to enjoy ourselves any way we like. We'll do it to donuts if we choose. Hell, we'll marry donuts. You know it'll come - in Sweden first, probably.
  And while we're on the subject, what's wrong with gays in the armed forces? At least they'd make the uniforms more tasteful. Dolce et Gabbana est pro patria mori.


Back
Homepage