Narcissisicist?
Zebedee Hilfiger, a disgruntled former technician on CNN's 'NewsNight with Aaron Brown', writes to say:
'From the time I started working on the show Brown was unpleasant towards me because I was better-looking than him. I am convinced this is the reason I was fired from the show, although the reason officially cited was an unfortunate incident when I messed up with some cables and electrocuted Ted Turner.
'Ordinarily Brown surrounds himself with trolls to make himself look more attractive. Terry Baker, for example, resembles something sneezed up by Ernest Borgnine.
'Brown is a complete narcissisicist. Once when they were showing some particularly distressing footage of Albanian children being mauled by weasels they cut back to him too soon to show him gazing fondly into a small woman's hand-mirror and humming, 'I'm so pretty' from West Side Story. I've also seen him tweeze his eyebrows during reports from Afghanistan. Mind you, he has to tweeze those fuckers eight or twelve times a day as they grow about an inch an hour - some hormonal imbalance. If he lets them go it looks like he has pubes all over his forehead - if only the viewers could see that.
'The only time he gets interested in a report is when it deals with farming somehow. I'll let you draw your own conclusions. He gets this creepy, intent look in his eye and digs his nails into the palms of his hands until he draws blood. He'll mutter something like, 'But the pigs...show us the pigs.' It's like he goes into a trance.
'The other thing no-one tells you about Brown is that he smells of urine. Like he didn't shake it enough before leaving the men's room.'
Pig Molester?
Hank Kerwin, an Indiana pig-farmer, thinks Aaron Brown may have molested his prize-winning sow Mabel. Brown was a roving reporter for Let's Go Indiana at the time and was reporting on Mabel's fourth consecutive best-of-breed triumph at the county fair. 'All I know is he was alone in the barn with Mabel for the better part of an hour, saying he was getting some "intimate stuff"', reports Mr. Kerwin. 'She was the never the same pig after that. I don't know what he did to her but she never won another rosette. Someone should speak out about it.'
I intend to, sir.
Stick-up artist?
An correspondent from Vermont, who does not wish to be named for fear of reprisals, thinks Brown may have been the man who held up his liquor store last June. Interestingly, if it was him, he was wearing a pig mask.
Sorceror?
Mrs. Bea Flange of Salem says Aaron Brown came to her in a sorcerous dream. 'He flew in through the bedroom window and sat on my head for an hour. It was horrible beyond the limits of human endurance.'
Surf Nazi?
Sean K from Australia reports that Aaron Brown deliberately rammed a surfboard into the small of his back while he was swimming off Bondi last summer. 'When I remonstrated, he just laughed and said, "What are you going to do about it, I'm one of the ten sexiest newscasters on the planet."'
Patronizes Midgets?
Helen Leatherbarrow, a department store clerk from New Jersey, saw Brown pinch the cheek of a midget working as an elf in Santa's Grotto. 'He said, "Ooh, you little cutie," and then ruffled his hair,' she recalls.
Is there nothing the man won't stoop to?
More narcissicisicism
Another CNN insider reports that my campaign against Brown is already starting to tell. 'Some people may say that your vendetta is childish and futile, but it's really hurting him. The spring's gone out of his step. He thought he'd put those pig-molestation rumours behind him years ago. It's going to be a close thing who kills himself first, him or you.'
(I shall never crack.)
The same insider says:
'I can confirm that Brown has suffered from narcissicisicism for a number of years and often falls asleep at his desk.'
(You may be thinking of 'narcolepsy', sir.)
'Brown doesn't smell of urine, though - he smells of raw pork all the time, for obvious reasons.'
Links to OBL?
Aaron Brown is clearly visible on TV footage of the September 11th disaster. According to eyewitnesses he loitered around Ground Zero all day, commenting on the destruction into a microphone - for who?
Karaoke?
I am receiving a number of reports that Brown is a Karaoke fiend and forces his staff to listen to his foul caterwaulings when drunk. His favourite song is Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.'
Limb of Satan
Mrs. Bea Flange of Salem writes again to say that Brown made a cat stand on its hind legs, again in a dream.
A Sandwich Thief, by God!
A little bird whispers that Aaron Brown is congenitally envious of other people's packed lunches and has developed a novel, if rather sick, method of stealing them. Jealous of a colleague's egg-and-cress barm-cake one lunchtime recently, Aaron suddenly pointed at the window behind the man and screamed, "Jesus Christ, we're being dive-bombed by a Jumbo!" Naturally, the man turned to look, and saw only untroubled azure sky. When he turned back, however, the sandwich had vanished and Brown had a big smile on his face and a piece of cress adhering to his loathsome mouth.
Pushes children over in the street?
An anonymous correspondent reports seeing Brown push a little girl over in the street, steal her lollipop and stamp on her head. Her crime? To point at Brown and say, "There's that man I don't like, Mommy." 'He really kicked the shit out of her,' says my informant. 'I couldn't believe it.' Neither can I.
Enough Already
Mrs. Bea Flange of Salem reports that Brown has cast a spell on her to prevent her cakes from rising.
What kind of monster?
Recently a group of CNN broadcasters were discussing what kind of animal they'd most like to be reincarnated as. 'That's easy,' said Aaron Brown, 'I want to come back as a Chinese Leopard. All those things do all day is prowl around and bite the heads off pandas. Killing pandas, that's the life for me. Ha ha ha.'
No-one's sandwiches are safe
More on Brown's propensity to covet other people's packed lunches:
Junior members of the NewsNight staff are encouraged in no uncertain terms to 'swap lunches' with Brown if they want to get ahead. This is because his mother always makes him soggy banana-and-jam sandwiches which neither he nor anyone else cares to eat. Anyone who refuses to hand over their lunch to Brown is told they will never work in broadcast news again.
'Sometimes Terry Baker will just hold the new boys down while Brown rifles their lunch-box,' says my informant. 'It's like he thinks he has some sort of droit de seigneur over sandwiches. In fact that's literally true in the case of bacon sandwiches. He doesn't eat them, if you know what I mean. He mutters something about needing some personal time and rushes to the stationery cupboard, slobbering. He puts his dick in them. Brown fucks bacon sandwiches. I've seen it.'
Please God let it end here
Mrs. Bea Flange of Salem informs me that Aaron Brown has impregnated her by astral projection, causing her to give birth to his daemon offspring, which manifests itself as a small, invisible vole with revolving teeth. She is putting the baby up for adoption. But who will love such a problem child?